I've resisted for many years but, in a classic political feint, Mrs Dang has simply bred more voters into the family until I am outnumbered. Yes, we are getting a dog.
I don't like dogs. I just read Jonesy's post about his dad's new dog and his mum's resulting pissed-offedness, so I know there are others in the same situation. I don't want a dog, but it's five against one (actually, my two-year-old says, "No" to everything and should have counted as a vote for me when I said, "Do you want a dog?" and he said, "No". But Mrs Dang then said, "Do you want your vote to count for Dad?" and he said, "No".)
So, this weekend we've got to drive down to Solihull to collect this ridiculous Miniature Schnauzer thing. Don't Google image search for one. You might be sick.
I don't know how I'm going to avoid the thing. It'll come bouncing up to me when I get home and probably try to shag my leg, or try to bite it because it smells of cows and rabbits and all the other shit I pick up off the road while cycling home. Half of Cheshire usually, and Stockport as I pass through a bit of there as well.
Being a puppy it'll probably rip my books and cds up and do little puddles everywhere, or worse. I could live with this if I actually wanted a dog, but I don't. Hopefully someone will nick it to use in an illegal dog fight or something, but it'll probably win because the other dog will be laughing so much.
Anyway, wish me luck.
Thread ends.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Relax. The good news is you won't have it for long. Schnauzers are snappy, belligerent little bastards. It'll bite one of the kids and then you can kill it in self-defense. Conscience clean.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
You could be like Ben and punch it to death.
Posted by 2@ (Member # 715) on :
Your local kebab shop will give you money for it. Recoup some of those Solihull trip petrol costs, chap.
Tell Mrs Dang that when you turned up, you pointed out the little fella's lazy eye to the breeder, who was consequently forced to shoot Fido in the head and feed him to his brethren.
[ 10.11.2004, 05:31: Message edited by: 2@ ]
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Relax. The good news is you won't have it for long. Schnauzers are snappy, belligerent little bastards. It'll bite one of the kids and then you can kill it in self-defense. Conscience clean.
Fucking hell. Have you been watching old episodes of my life again? Eerily accurate, bar the fact that my schnauzer, Sammy, wasn't killed for biting a child. He went off to live with some kindly family on a big estate where he could roam free for the rest of his days. Apparently.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bandy: He went off to live with some kindly family on a big estate where he could roam free for the rest of his days. Apparently.
Yeah. There were squirrels to chase and a kind old gentleman would stroke him and give him biscuits, too. Right?
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: Hopefully someone will nick it to use in an illegal dog fight or something, but it'll probably win because the other dog will be laughing so much.
lol
This really is a no-win predicament. It's actually worse than you think: you will end up having to walk the wretched creature and everything in the house will stink of dog.
It's a difficult call but you have no option but to invoke Emergency Executive Dad Powers and forbid the dog purchase. There'll be wailing but they'll get over it.
Posted by 2@ (Member # 715) on :
Face it Bandy, Black Mask is right. The little tyke ended up being sold with chilli soss and a warm can of coke.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: You could be like Ben and punch it to death.
You take that back. I'd NEVER use violence on a smaller creature.
eta: Except maybe Rick.
[ 10.11.2004, 05:54: Message edited by: ben ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: you will end up having to walk the wretched creature
...and dogs get lost all the time.
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
Could be worse... Could be a cat.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
On the upside, you'll have a Get Out of Jail Free card re. farting.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Don’t you have loads of kids? One miniature dog isn’t much to go round - they will probably tear it to pieces fighting over who gets to play with it.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Know your enemy. Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Minus Points You’re the Dad. You’re The Alpha Male, the pack leader, the be all and end all. You will have to train the thing. You will have to feed it. You will have to clean up the garden when it shits and Mrs Dang worries about the children getting whatever hideous blindness causing toxoma comes from dog-poo. You will have to take the small, shivering and quivering ball of fur to the vets for it’s jabs and die of humiliation when it pisses itself on the table and the buxom vetinary assistant gives you death glares whilst she bleaches it up. When it eats a dead bird and gets tummy-fuck you will have to stay up with it all night, mopping watery vomit from the carpet. You will have to pull the sheep ticks from its arse with a pair of tweezers. You will have to upset the children by whacking it one when it eats the wallpaper from the walls. And when it gets old and decrepit, you will have to wipe it’s eyes and it’s arse and comfort a raft of howling Dangs outside the vets when you leave it for its final sleep and subsequent rendering into a small box of dust. You will have to spend the rest of your holidaying life in ‘Pet Friendly’ catalogue cottages with the ammonia stink of someone elses alsations piss in the bedroom. You will have to spend the rest of your holidaying life eating outside pubs even those with family rooms whilst it pours down in the way it only can in Dorset in August and the whole family stares at you, morose, from in the tent of their sodden cagoules. You will have to spend the rest of your life trying to deduce if a beach is ‘dog-friendly’ and carrying watertight plastic bags in your coat pocket in case of fouling. You will have to pick up something else’s shit in public.
Plus Points You have a cast iron, unassailable, utterly viable excuse for fucking off out of the house for an hour when requires. Train it to sit under a chair in the pub with a packet of salt and vinegar crisps for company and you’re in clover. The kids will love it. And you.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
I don't count small dogs as dogs anyway, more as vermin. And they are child-biters, as I have witnessed.
If you're going to get a dog at least insist on getting a proper one, like a Wolfhound, all gob and molting fur, that'll soon put the wife off.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
They're clever bastards, Miniature Schnauzers, manipulative too. A friend's dad had one called Bertie. Bertie did tricks like walking on two legs, balancing a ball on his nose, throwing withering glances at his gurning, shrieking human audience. He'd only do it when the home owners were around, though, anyone else asked for a trick and Bertie would look them straight in the eye and snort with derision. He'd read a bit of Gary Larson too, I think, because as soon as the house was empty, I'm pretty sure Bertie walked around on two legs or lounged in the arm chair, smoking cigars, drinking his owner's brandy, reading the financial times and playing the markets. It wasn't long before he'd only do tricks for the Dad, never for the mum. No doubt he'd got his hands on the deeds to the property, the mortgage papers, that kind of thing. Once he knew where the financial power rested, Bertie didn't dance for anyone but Daddy. This didn't go down too well with the wife, who soon fell out with Bertie. Big mistake. Three years after the dog arrived, the wife was gone. Bertie made a couple of calls, pulled a few strings and the couple got a divorce. She got fuck all. Bertie got the key to the door at 21.
Mark my words, Dang, if you cross this puppy you'll be out on your arse before you can say "his master's voice".
[ 10.11.2004, 08:44: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
is it the same breed of dog from Spaced?
Dress it up as a Nazi, insist that this is the only way that it feels comfortable.
Or paralyse it's tongue, take pictures of it dressed up in costumes with it's stupid tongue hanging out of it's little, gimpy mouth, make calanders, sell for £5 a pop, laugh.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Know your enemy.
Despite years of forum reading at work experience and supreme yogic self-control, I just LOLed. I think I managed to turn it into a sneeze though.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Check it. He's wearing doggles. Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Minus Points You're the Dad. You're The Alpha Male, the pack leader, the be all and end all. You will have to train the thing. You will have to feed it...
I will be doing nothing with this animal. If Mrs Dang so much as goes out for a drink with friends for the evening she will be expected to arrange boarding kennel facilities. We will be taking seperate holidays from now on. There are many other stipulated conditions, too complex to go into here, which she has agreed on. I have a solicitor drafting the legal document right now.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Check it. He's wearing doggles.
And an Evil Knievel jump suit.
These things all cost money, Dang.
[ 10.11.2004, 06:43: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
Schnauzers are so...post-colonial.
Bandy and I were having a picnic in the park and people-watching this summer when this little moustachioed thing trotted past like it owned the place, and pissed on this old woman's leg.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by scrawny: Schnauzers are so...post-colonial.
Bandy and I were having a picnic in the park and people-watching this summer when this little moustachioed thing trotted past like it owned the place, and pissed on this old woman's leg.
And Bandy shot up a tree, sobbing.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
And the little bastard laughed at you, didn't he Bandroo?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Now everyones picking on Bandy.
This place is going to the dogs.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Animals have always picked on Bandy, though.
So, I cocked the old liquid limb, hosed this old duffer down and the tall one shot up a tree like an African.
Brilliant! I was just telling Chris Reeves and Emile how I swiped the fucker's Zoom.
Can't agree with mixing with that Hesky but bloody funny all the same.
[ 10.11.2004, 08:13: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by My Name Is Joe (Member # 530) on :
Dogs are top notch beasts. Not only can they perform any number of useful tasks such as guiding blind people and detecting bombs but they are constantly discovering new skills, like this.
My favourite breed are Red Setters, which as a rule are amazingly gormless but affectionate, friendly and bursting with Pedigree Chum energy. So there you go.
[ 10.11.2004, 07:30: Message edited by: My Name Is Joe ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Here's a handy guide to *The Foods that Can Kill Your Dog Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Chocolate raisins it is, then.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by My Name Is Joe: constantly discovering new skills, like this.
"Dogs 'sniff out' bladder cancer"
So that's what they're doing. I understand now. Actually, I think I might have this skill myself if any ladies want to pop round for a quick check up.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Now there's a great chat-up line.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
Sad face on behalf of Bandy
When the opposing team consist of Emil Heskey, a goose, a miniature schnauser and everyone's favourite ex-paraplegic Christopher reeves, what chance does he have?
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
I never learnt to read Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
Nice sig. Awww, come here baby. *wedges Bandy's head under arm and ruffles ludicrously large hair with fist*
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: I will be doing nothing with this animal.
Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA HA.
My Dad utters those exact same words around twenty years ago. Same objections, same principles, same capitulation in face of demanding wife and demanding, sad-eyed daughters who needed a dog. Admittedly, he got a better dog than a weedy fucked up snitzel or whatever but the end result was Man Captivated by Golden Retriever. The dog in question later died of something known as overwalking, brought on by having two teenage girls, a harrassed mother and frail grandmother in a rather small house.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche:
quote:Originally posted by dang65: I will be doing nothing with this animal.
Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Read my lips. Nothing.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Look, mate, I will put cold hard cash on you being the sole fucking carer of this mutt in less than six months time. I am that fucking certain. Anyway, look at you, you loon. You're a giant soft marshmellow of a Dad. There's no way you're not going to love a waify dog. All else is just bullshit posturing.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Shame, Dnang, I always liked your posts too.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
C'mooooooooon Dang, you'll love it like as if it were the son you never had.
I hate cats. Can't fucking stand the arrogant little fuckwits. Omikin's cat, on the other hand, rocks. It's all about the individual. Don't dismiss your Schnauser offhand. This is your chance to mould it, to shape the individual you really wanted when you foolishly agreed to have children. Under your tutelage, your Schnauser could become a rescue dog! A killing machine! It could double as a pillow! You might be able totrain it to sweep up after itself, or growl ferociously at your kids when they get into trouble!
Make it your ally, Dang.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
But never trust it.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
If it's a small dog you can pretend it's a cat, and swing it.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Dang, Dang, Dang, watcha gonna call it Dang?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
"With you always" Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Speaking of With you always, the dude's added to his collection since the last time.
I particularly like the guitarist (with retro modern font), and the dork juggler.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
yay!
Let's play 'name Dang's dog'.
Fifi, That ain't a name for this mutt. So how about Champion? Champion you're anything but.
We could call him Tiger, But there's no bite in him, Tiger! Kittens would frighten him. Rover! When you think it over, Rover is the perfect name for this dumb look-in' dog.
Sandy, Sandy's his name if you please. If you don't be-lieve me ask anyone of the fleas Residing on Sandy,
True he ain't pedigreed, Sandy, there ain't no better breed. And he really comes in handy, 'Specially when you're all alone in the night and you're small and terribly frightened it's Sandy, Sandy who'll always be there!
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Dang, Dang, Dang, watcha gonna call it Dang?
The owners of the animal in question have elected to call it "Ted". I shall probably use a different name each day, starting with "Louche".
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
Ted? That's fucking genius.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by scrawny: Make it your ally, Dang.
Teach it martial arts and it can be your Ally's Husband. Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
The name sounds like a ploy to buy a Big Ted very very soon.
Hint: Schnauzers are also available in large.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
What about Ted?
Ted's dead, baby. Ted's dead.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
You must be sure to keep us informed of all the comedy goings-on Ted is bound to bring to the household! Like the first time he esacpes and gets out onto the road, the first time he shits in your shoes, the first time you realise that you have been taking him for walks every day while your offspring watch TV....
Posted by damo (Member # 722) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65:
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Dang, Dang, Dang, watcha gonna call it Dang?
The owners of the animal in question have elected to call it "Ted". I shall probably use a different name each day, starting with "Louche".
whatever problems he gets up to when/if you call him damo, are not my fault ok? if he starts bumming your kids or stealing things or drinking your brandy, its not my fault.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by damo: if he starts bumming your kids...
...You can call him Ted Rogers.
3...2...1...sorry everyone.
[ 10.11.2004, 10:02: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by damo (Member # 722) on :
and when he gets a hard on it'll be a red todger... (thanks to log)
Posted by saltrock (Member # 622) on :
Dogs smell. They make your house smell. Then everytime you have visitors, they'll walk through the door and make that wrinkly nose face and you'll be all, "oh maaaaan, my house smells! Look at their faces - I'm so embarrassed!".
Get a cat instead - they rock. Dave's great company and takes herself out for walks and has never once chewed any of my belongings. [Has got a nasty habit of bringing dead birds into the house and leaving their entrails dragged across the carpet though - but you can always fry them up for the kids for breakfast. Fun and contributes to the household!]
Posted by damo (Member # 722) on :
fuck getting a pet. really no really.
its absolutely pointless. its a substitute child that never develops beyond the age of ooh say maybe 5 years old. hence its always at the cute, needy, look at me, stage.
on saying that though, dogs make excellent sleeping companions. knaawha' i'm sayin'?
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Dang, the key value of pets is that you can substitute them for your own offspring when they become (inevitably) disappointing failures.
After the devestating sudden death of Britain's Most Spoilt Cat earlier this year, my parents have found another feline to simper gormlessly over.
Questions about how my brother is are met with a vague "a'right, but guess what, the kitten's using the litter tray right now! Isn't she clever? Come and speak to Vogon on the phone!" *Father continues conversation in fake cat voice*
It seems my parents have counteracted the failure of their children to obtain respectable careers and gran-pleasing domestic arrangements by focussing on the successes of little Tabitha (well, that's what she's called today, the name's already changed three times in a week).
Little Ted will still be there for you, when the others are in youth prisons, or on Trisha.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: *Father continues conversation in fake cat voice*
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Actually, as kittikins cuddles up to me and gazes fascinated at my typing fingers, I can see why my parents think she is way cuter and more entertaining than me or my brother.
My Dad's got a webcam set up so he can keep an eye on her at work and amuse himself and his colleagues by calling home and watching her stare confusedly at the phone as it rings.
It's probably a good thing that the Poetess family genes seem destined to be outlived by those of felix domesticus.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: My Dad's got a webcam set up so he can keep an eye on her at work and amuse himself and his colleagues by calling home and watching her stare confusedly at the phone as it rings.
Would your Dad be prepared to give us the URL?
Posted by My Name Is Joe (Member # 530) on :
I'm trying, but I have no idea what a 'cat voice' would sound like, apart from perhaps a sultry, sibilant drawl, and the thought of anyone's Dad doing that is unsettling...
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I reckon Vogon should record her dad doing a cat voice, mix it with some footage from cat-cam and release it onto the peer-to-peer networks. It's bound to become a world-wide internet craze within hours.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Would your Dad be prepared to give us the URL?
And the phone number. We need the cat's phone number or it might just be asleep or whatever else cats do. Asleep, yeah. Can't think of anything else.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Vogon's Dad, yesterday?
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Welcome back Vogon!
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
quote: Would your Dad be prepared to give us the URL?
After two and a half years here I still don't know how to make lonks.
My parents have made me come home (*shocked outrage* "you mean you don't want to come and see the new baby? She'll be grown up by Christmas") and have gone off to work leaving me to starve! A cupboard full of Whiskas and no bread, crisps, or bananas. It's a bit much, frankly, seeing as I nearly died of malnutrition on holiday in the land of Frenchs.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
