L@@K what I just found saved in my email drafts folder! Clearly this post, dated Wednesday 4th Feb 2004, and written by Jonesy999, must have made a mega huge impression on me. I think this must be one of the greatest posts of 2004, but what do you think? Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Trawl through the archives and find a really mega post. Post it here for us all to read!
At the end of the thread, we can vote on best post, and the winner gets the joyous smugness of knowing that he or she provided the acest post of 2004, on the acest message board in the whole of the internet, and is therefore, basically, King or Queen of the Entire Internet, which is, as we all know, basically The Entire Universe. Hurrah!
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IAN: Good morning, Stefanos.
STEF: Hail Not, son of Dad.
IAN: I wish you wouldn't do that.
STEF: Why, Brother?
IAN: It was bad enough when he was alive but now...
STEF: Take my hand, oh Brother, screw your courage to the sticking place. Be strong like the legions of -
IAN: I'm going to school.
STEF: Tarry! I have something for you.
IAN: Unless it's my dinner money you can fuck off.
STEF: Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough but your teachers wouldn't allow it. Thought you might follow old Stefanos on some damn fool crusade like your father.
IAN: Dad died in a gardening accident, you moron.
STEF: Take it. Our father's Gladius, an honorable sword. Grasp its hilt.
IAN: They're curling tongs, Stefanos. They were mum's.
STEF: Be not afraid, my brother. Hold me.
IAN: I'm not afraid. This is the early eighties. Perms are all the rage.
STEF: That's it; grasp me to your bosom.
IAN: Plus there's no plug on it. Now, let go of me please.
STEF: Mmmmmm.
IAN: Let the fuck go of me! I'm a big boy now, Stef.
STEF: Indeed!
IAN: And you'll never make me touch you there again. Understand?
STEF: But for Rome and for Honour!
IAN: For Christ's sake, man!
STEF: My brother, do not force me to fetch the Homoamplus Bellows.
IAN: If you bring that accordion anywhere near me again I'll shove it up your arse and beat seven shades of shit out of you.
STEF: MMmmmmm. That's more like it.
IAN: You just aren't getting me.
STEF: I understand perfectly. I nominate pecorino romano
IAN: Shut up! Shut up about the fucking cheese!
STEF: Ha ha, I nominate...
IAN CLUBS STEFANOS OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS LATE MOTHER'S CURLING TONGS.
STEF: I am wounded! But in a nice way. Let us wrestle like brothers of old.
IAN: Get the fuck away from me. I hate you. Fifteen years of eating that fucking cheese. Fifteen years of crumbly, stinky, Italian puke. "Ian, what would you like in your sandwiches?" - "Can I have Philadelphia mum?" - "HAHA I nominate Pecorino Romano!" - "The other kids have Philadelphia, mum." "HAHA, I NOMINATE PECORINO FUCKING ROMANA! – THE GLADIATOR GROWING UP SPREAD!" - "But mum, I just want - " - "OK, Stefanos, Pecorino Romano it is. I'm sorry, IAN, darling, I don't have enough for two cheeses."
STEF: Fetch my balm. I'm ready.
IAN: You aren't listening to me. You never listen. When the doctor told you it was the blow that killed her, you didn't listen. When he pointed out that a woman of four foot three shouldn't have been lifting huge blocks of hard cheese from the top shelf at Asda, you didn't listen. When I told you I didn't like putting it in my mouth, you didn't listen. When I asked to be sent to an orphanage instead of being raised by a Roman madman, you didn't listen. Well fucking listen to this! I'm sixteen today and I'm leaving home. I'm leaving, Stefanos. And there's nothing you can do about it. Alright? Hard. Fucking. Cheese.
STEF: Ha ha. I nominate...
DOOR SLAMS BEHIND IAN.
STEF: Perhaps we will meet again, brother, in some Valhalla or other strange land.
[ 17.12.2004, 08:01: Message edited by: London ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Ermm...I wrote that.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Oh. I shall amend it. Sorry dude!
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
Which thread featured a one-off poster whose gimmick was something like "Transmission Portal Closes" at the end of his post? He made a storming one off entry and got mass props from everyone except Kovacs, who labeled him a one trick pony, if I remember.
Where is that thread? I'm not across thread titles any more.
[ 17.12.2004, 08:28: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Oh I remember! I decided that that was Benway, but then I thought the writing was mebbe too good. It was when Benway was dead. Can anybody confirm or deny my suspicion?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I don't think it was Benway. I'd like to know who it was, though. Actually I hope it was Benway...but, no, no, sorry Benway, I don't think it was you. Who was it?
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
I thought we thought it was FtC? Not that we think like hive mind or anything. We, in this context, being my sister and I. The royal We.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Oh yeah, maybe we did think that. I can't remember what we thought. Also, I can't remember that many other good posts, because I wasn't very active in forum this year. And I remembered one that was good, but that was from 2003!!!!!, so that sucks. Meh.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Are we allowed to nominate whole threads?
I'm quite proud of my TMO Virtual Soap Opera, but I guess that isn't about the thread itself so much as the concept behind it.
Is there a prize for Outstanding Achievement in the field of Innovation?
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
I want to nominate myself for the wonderful drunken posting on this thread! I also had the kovacian loss of typing ability thing going on. It was when darryn turned the editing thing off and I couldn't go and edit it away in the morning.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
This is a bit unfair because the only one we can all remember properly is Thorn's Van Helsing masterpiece, but Thorn can probably remember lots of other great posts as he is The Memory Man, but he won't mention them in case they're better than his one.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
69 Comeback Elvis's Self-Help Book fanfiction is one of my faves...
Men are Autistic, Women have OCD
A practical guide for decreasing communication and having arguments naked.
By Dr Pete ‘Petey’ Peters
Acknowledgments
I thank my first wife, Patricia, for sharing the journey of developing this guide with me. I thank her for allowing me to share our stories at minimum cost and especially for developing my understanding of the female point of view. Oxymoron that it is.
I thank our five daughters, Patricia, Lily, Pony, Emily, and Geoff, for their continued love and appreciation of Daddy’s moneypocket. Yes I did write five daughters, Geoff. The challenge of being a parent has allowed me to understand the struggles my parents had and to love them even more. Even though they didn’t have a homosexual in the home.
Finally, I thank the thousands who participated in my relationship with Patricia, shared their stories, and taunted me at work.
Introduction
A week after our third daughter Pony was born, my wife Patricia and I were completely exhausted. Patricia was traumatised from the birth and was taking anti-depressants. She could barely talk.
Two days after the birth she rang me at work and insisted I come home immediately. Pony had suckled her dry. When I returned she was very upset. One of her breasts hung under her arm like a sock.
I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and laughed aloud.
She said, "Just what is so funny Petey Peters?"
I said, "A joke I heard on the way home. On the radio."
She said, "Is that so. I sit here incapacitated, breastfeeding Pony…"
I said, "And how is daddy’s four-legged best girl?"
She said, "whizz"
Actually, that was the fruit knife by her bed, which went on to say "thunk" as it stuck through the meat of my thigh.
She said, "You always do this. You never think about my feelings."
I said, "What do you mean, always? When exactly do I do ‘this’."
She said, "I don’t know when exactly. I don’t keep a diary of the days."
At this point the bleeding from my leg had become profuse and I thought it wise to sit down. I was hobbling towards the edge of the bed when she said, "And don’t even think about bleeding on the bed."
I said, "If you cannot tell me when I have done ‘this’ before, whatever ‘this’ is, I can’t have been that insensitive. You’ve probably got the baby blues."
She said, "I have a deflated boob. You laughed when you walked through the door. This is not about the baby blues, it’s about you."
Then she sat forward and said, "And you’ve bled on the floor. Marvellous."
I said, "When am I insensitive? Give me an example."
She said, "When I moved your stereo because it ruined the Feng Shui and you left a glass of water in the money corner."
I said, "The stereo had been placed to give optimum playback quality. I was understandably upset because my listening conditions had been compromised. I did not leave the water near the piggybank on purpose."
She said, "Water washes away energy gathered by money. This is why we have no money."
I said, "Sorry, have I missed something? When am I insensitive?"
*****
A typical argument between a typical twosome, I’m sure you’ve had a hundred like them! For me, however, this was an epiphany. I realised that I had not known real love until this point.
Was I upset about the stereo? Sure, and Patricia had steadfastly refused to give a straight answer to the simplest of questions, but I was letting these cloud my vision of the whole, my awareness of the ‘us’.
Patricia, too, was upset.
She was tired and suffering from post-natal depression. Nine months since her last period and all those hormones were just busting a gut to get loose!
Too tired even to accept my offer of warm milk and a weekend shopping trip to the mall, Patricia had ‘reverted to type’. She had deconstructed her self and a century of emancipation and empowerment.
Violent, mentally lackadaisical, worried only about appearance, and unable to focus on a single issue - in this instance a perfectly straightforward question repeatedly asked – Patricia had devolved to the state of obsessive compulsive slut monkey.
Also Kovacs's recent stuff about His Dark Materials, was damned funny.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Which thread featured a one-off poster whose gimmick was something like "Transmission Portal Closes" at the end of his post? He made a storming one off entry and got mass props from everyone except Kovacs, who labeled him a one trick pony, if I remember.
Where is that thread? I'm not across thread titles any more.
That was "trans-"
quote:Originally posted by trans-: //enter host
all sorts of inappropriate questions but I refused to co-operate. Questions about my childhood. My father. My pets, for pete's sake. They were very undignified about it, too. Fists banging tabletops and ungainly mouths screaming much too close to my face to be hygienic. One of them even spat in my eye. On purpose. My brief handed me a tissue and assured me this would not happen again. It did.
Questions became my life. Often the questions pretended to be different, made of different words arranged in different orders, that sort of lark. But at their heart, the questions were always the same. They all wanted to know Why. Really, there was nothing to know. I did nothing wrong. Still, all anyone ever wanted of me was the answer. I grew very bored. My neck was sore from having to constantly shrug my shoulders and shake my head. Deciding to massage the muscles a little, I looped my bed sheets around my neck, in the same way I'd always fastened my tie for work. I'd been a professional man before all this. Respected. I gave the bed sheets a bitter tug. I pulled them taught. Tighter. I leaned forward. Escaped.
It is much better here. The world cracks open wide. I am weightless. I go wherever I please.
I have met some of them here. The patients I was accused of. Of. You know. Muh. Muhrd- well. I don't like to say it. It is an ugly accusation and it does not apply to me. Many of those patients are here, though. The restless ones. I am not restless. I am here because I am curious. I want to explore a little before I move on. There are things to do.
I talk with them. They still respect me. Most of them don't even know their own names or what they're doing here, but they always recognise my smell. I smell of comfort. They hoard around me like - Oh dear. One moment. I feel Constance coming. Follows me everywhere, this one. Every day is the first one for her. Alzheimer's, you understand. We must be patient. It's not her fault. Yes, Constance, I'm listening. What ever is the matter this time? Of course, yes, we'll give you something for the palpitations too. No no, that's quite all right, I'm sure I can manage to squeeze you in. How about this evening? Back of five? Very good. Cheerio, then, Constance. Yes, yes. Bye now. Ok, cheery- Yes. Cheer- CHEERIO.
In this line of work you have to be assertive. Give her a chance and she never shuts up. She'd chat all day, that one. Poor soul. Poor, restless soul.
There are plenty more things to do here.
Sometimes I sit with the relatives. The loved ones. The left behind. Once, I slid into bed with one of them. I spread myself out beside him, invisibly, and my particles rippled in the wind of his trembling. I got bored lying, so I slipped into the theatre of his head and directed a nightmare. He woke up screaming; it was quite comic, but also vulnerable. He reached for the empty pillow next to him but of course she wasn't there and he stroked the empty space and cried. I curled up on his cheek and felt his tears funnel through me, until he itched me away. Then I wrapped myself around his neck, the hot atoms of my air warming him up, and he was able to go back to sleep. This is why I gave him the nightmare in the first place: so I could comfort him afterwards. I am good at administering comfort. It is what I do. I am very good at what I
//evacuate host
I think that's how it went, anyway. I couldn't find the original thread, so I did that from memory.
Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
I don't like that review of Thorn's, it made me be a fuckwit and I'm going to watch Van Helsing this weekend just to spite him. Posted by Fionnula the Cooler (Member # 453) on :
O yeah! trans- was me.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Why are you lying about it? It was me - that's how come I had the post on my hard drive.
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
Yay meandamp rule at guess the poster in disguise!
Posted by Fionnula the Cooler (Member # 453) on :
And the reason I did it was to trick Thorn into paying me a compliment!
Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :
There's no way I'm ever going to remember where it is, but I really liked that 69CE post which was a script about Hitler and his mates all getting their cocks out or something. Or it might have been Snorton: I'm not being pissy but I genuinely can't remember which it was and I know there was some sort of Nazi context. Someone had - I think - a banana down their trousers? Help me. Anyway: it was excellent!
quote:Originally posted by Astromariner: There's no way I'm ever going to remember where it is, but I really liked that 69CE post which was a script about Hitler and his mates all getting their cocks out or something.[/URL]
quote:Originally posted by Bonjour Elvis. Vous chose sexy:
quote:From the minutes of Jemmy Purple-Bounder.
Emergency meeting of the Lavenderwürsst Volksklub, 23.03.87
In attendance:
Rick (Chair) Winston Sanjit Divine
Rick: Zer gayenschittz haff decided to valk der path.
All: GASP
Winston: B-but Rick, y-you warned them.
Rick: Yuss.
Sanjit: Politely. In the way of the English gentleman.
Rick: Yuss. But diss are gayboyss. Dey do not huff ears like normal good white English folks LIKE US.
Pele: Like us.
Winston: Like us.
Sanjit: Like us.
Divine: Like us.
Rick: Dere ears are spinky.
Divine: I-is it time for direct action?
Rick: Yuss!
All: GASP
Divine: We should trap a bummer and then beat him and bum him with our good straight cocks we should, shouldn’t we, we should, should we?
Rick: Nein! But I admire your commitment. Look fellow members of der Lavenderwürsst … look how committed iss Divine. He can show his excitement in publick. If diss vere a rum of dirty gayboyss dey vud be rimmink his buns now! You show us your excitement Divine. Yuss. Unzip. Dere. Dat iss commitment!
Winston: I’m committed too Grüppenführer!
Rick: Ach. Be careful viss dat Winston. Dat iss a big commitment.
Sanjit: I too have a firm commitment!
Rick: Yuss, yuss. Everybody put away dere commitments now.
Divine: You are only half committed Herr Grüppenführer?
Rick: I yam committed! Dunt vurry about my commitment! Everybody put commitments away now!
Sanjit: Perhaps the Grüppenführer’s commitment is caught in his elasticated waist?
Emergency meeting of the Lavenderwürsst Volksklub, 24.03.87
Rick: Meetink call to order at oh nine twenty. Now. Yesterday sum hoff you kvestioned my commitment! Diss is beyont der pale! As you can zee, my commitment in ziss looser fittink trouser is hyooj. Certainly it iss a commitment to rival Winsto- oop. Scheiss!
All: GASP
Divine: You’ve dropped a banana and some sticky tape Herr Grüppenführer.
Featuring a great contribution from squirrelandgman - Snorton's head exploding like the bloke out of Scanners.
Posted by Fionnula the Cooler (Member # 453) on :
I would like to nominate every Raz-shaped post which contained a photograph of a cat in a hat. Especially the post at the bottom of this page.
[ 17.12.2004, 09:34: Message edited by: Fionnula the Cooler ]
Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :
nice one Thorn! My Friday is complete.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Oh! That reminds me - I nominate the ascii wizards and woodland creatures.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Wank - it goes all fucked. Dont know which thread. Make Raz come back!
[ 17.12.2004, 09:40: Message edited by: Abby ]
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
Yes, Razrazraz - three votes, one from each of my personalities. The other day I remembered the cat prin while crossing the road and it made me do a laugh from my mouth. I was on my own so I looked like a mad.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I've been browsing the archives. This is my favourite so far. Good old Harley's contribution to a short lived Write Pomes Like The Streets thread.
quote:Originally posted by Harlequin: Here is a quick poem about one of my mates from the streets who gets on my nerves at times because he wont wash and is so lazy and sluvenly - fat Peter:
Dimwit, dimwit Crazy man Peter is a stupid dimwit A fucking stupid, fat, useless, bone idle, thick, greedy, dirty, stinking, mad dimwit.
Crazy man Peter you are a useless slob, Crazyt man Peter you are usless sod.
[ 17.12.2004, 12:00: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
God Bless Harlequin!
Posted by discodamage (Member # 66) on :
lol i think ascii wizards has it really. boy racer and A Lurker and I had great fun confusing br's friend joel shouting about the wizards on friday night. that stings like rape! that stings like rape! we kept shouting. and joel was just sitting on the sofa quietly repeating the words 'but what is a milmcowl? but i dont get it, what is a milmcowl? what is milm? i dont get it.' confusing joel is fun.
Posted by kovacs (Member # 28) on :
This isn't sour grapes or anything because I have been mentioned here a couple of times -- but is this "best post" or "funniest post"? Are they the same thing? I think the only contributions anyone has mentioned so far are gags.
I liked Raz's ASCII things but to be honest they do leave the impression that he just knocks up that kind of stuff for Chisky or whatever other place he hangs around on 90% of the time, and drops a few on TMO so people can cum all over him.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
We do disappoint you so, don't we Kovacs?
Posted by kovacs (Member # 28) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: We do disappoint you so, don't we Kovacs?
I'm glad you've appointed yourself forum rep, Louche. If I have an opinion on a thread in future, should I address it to you personally.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Cheers. D'you want my landline in case things need urgently verifying?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: for Chisky or whatever other place he hangs around on 90% of the time, and drops a few on TMO so people can cum all over him.
That just means he's about 900% better than you and about 9000% better than the rest of us you grouchy, talentless **** .
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
I thought one of the best posts/threads was the one Sabian started about "getting involved" in situations you see on the street - I recall that a lot of the contributions there were really high quality and some interesting issues bounced around.
Will try to dig it out and see who deserves special commendation.
My other fave was Discodamage's superb Regency romance skit (Lord NWoD and Mr BR 'pon-my-soulling' at the deb ball) - one of those posts that makes you glow with pleasure each time you re-read it. I will have to dig that out too.
Posted by kovacs (Member # 28) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Cheers. D'you want my landline in case things need urgently verifying?
It was a question ("should I..."). Perhaps I should have used a question mark.
I thought it was a fair point to say that only funny posts were being picked; and that in turn is fair, if those are what stand out most and give people most pleasure. It's nothing to do with "you" (forum) disappointing "me".
Re. Raz's posts, as I said I enjoyed them myself, but it struck me that Niffer was being slagged off based on the fact that she turns up once in a blue moon -- the idea being that she condescends to post -- and I see Raz as someone who drops in to showcase some pre-prepared material every few months, rather than a regular member of the forum. [cue whiny snarking of "please issue your guidelines kovacs on how I can become a regular member of the forum. I hope I qualify, do I get your badge etc etc"] Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
[ 18.12.2004, 07:28: Message edited by: London ]
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: it struck me that Niffer was being slagged off based on the fact that she turns up once in a blue moon -- the idea being that she condescends to post -- and I see Raz as someone who drops in to showcase some pre-prepared material every few months
I read it more as Niffer being criticised not so much for only turning up once in a blue moon, more for only turning up to rip on someone, and someone perceived as an easy target at that. As far as I could see anyway..
That Elvis post about Snorton and chums was a classic, maded me lol again reading it, I think if you really want to pick a post of the year you probably need to do Oscar style categories, otherwise you're always going to get the creative talent vs meaningful discussion comparison and I can't really see how you can compare the two directly.
Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: it struck me that Niffer was being slagged off based on the fact that she turns up once in a blue moon -- the idea being that she condescends to post
Not entirely no, my drunken haranguing of Niffer last night was based not only on her turning up irregularly (which is entirely her right of course) but that she'd turned up and 'picked an easy target' before disappearing again so it's not a straighforward comparison with what you're saying about Raz I don't think. And, as is traditional, this morning I now no longer really have a strong opinion on the matter at all so it's not perhaps the best thing to use to bolster and argument.
Posted by kovacs (Member # 28) on :
All fair points, and I must stop hammering on about Raz now or it will seem over the top.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
I also liked Herbs' description of what men do when they announce they are going to the toilet. Herbs is a pretty underrated poster, in my book.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
I'm trying to decide if that is a compliment. I shall quiz you about it, with thumbscrews, later.
Posted by kovacs (Member # 28) on :
I liked Ben's apparently-effortless but incredibly well-informed and inventive list of alternative Best 100 Films.
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