So I've decided to hedge my bets and go for both: my salty, yellow digits have played the lathe and shaved the pipe down to a healthy chisel-sized lump, now I'll attempt to tap off a swell from the TMO New Wave and surf the boards. Forgive the lack of imagination but I'm rusty and unwaxed. Falling off the board rather than catching a tube and all that.
Take a routine occurrence in your current life and give us one thing you like about, one thing you don't.
Pros Fist
Commuting
I've never really done a commute of any distance for any length of time before. London to Brighton is hardly a frequent flyer affair but, hey.
Anyway, some things I like about it, some things I don't.
Pro Nobody is going from London to Brighton in the morning, well almost nobody; they're all coming the other way. Each morning I stand by the platform and watch a billion bastards barge towards the turnstiles on their way into the capital, their hatred for the fellow human beings stealing valuable space scowl-etched in frown lines onto their foreheads and burning in their bastard eyes. I'm swimming the other way: I get a few barges and the occasional pantomime hiss. Ordinarily, this would bring on some rage but it doesn't bother me at all. They're angry, they're spitting little firelighters, a spark away from igniting the touchpaper of confrontation. That's because when they finally spunk through the turnstiles they're going straight into more of the same, worse in fact - the fucking underground. The stupid bastards. Me, once I wade through the tide of bastards, I bag an entire carriage, all to myself. I can stretch out, I can read, I can write, I can scratch my arse and I do it all in my own private carriage. Is lush.
Con I never used to believe in regularity. Whenever the likes of Dirk Bogarde asked some old puffin "Are you regular?" I never really understood what he meant. After I worked it out I still thought 'Whaddafuck?' I just couldn't understand what this business was about - one goes when one goes, different times, different days. Regular? What are they on? But in my late twenties I began to flirt with regularity. I was quite excited to know that I would take the newspaper with me for a contemplation at 11:30 every day. It was amazing, you could set your watch by my bum dial. I was amazed. It didn't last long; a diet of drink drugs and unscheduled eating meant my body rarely knew what was going on - so I had bouts of regularity, nothing more. It's become more constant in recent times, as my living has softened.
Anyway, to the point, I need a dump at around 9:30am every day. It's bloody clockwork. And guess where I am at 9:30. Wallowing in the luxury of my empty, air-conditioned carriage, that's where, somewhere around Gatwick. I could go on the train, but face it, no one likes being rattled around in a tin box haphazardly firing pot shots up down and to the left, like stinky Kevin Costner magic bullets. It's just horrible. Add to that the prospect of a robot door which just might have a sense of humour and you realise that, empty train or not, this is a non starter.
So I hold it in. I have a two hundred yard uphill dash, greet my colleagues like an incontinent Carl Lewis and rush straight into the toilet.
There are only about ten of us working in the place. I make that kind of entrance and leave behind, you know.
Where's the mystery? That's what I want to know.
So, yeah, the con of my regularity is shitting on my commute dudes.
[ 23.02.2007, 05:23: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I could go on the train, but face it, no one likes being rattled around in a tin box haphazardly firing off pot shots up down and to the left, like stinky Kevin Costner magic bullets. It's just horrible.
lol
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
A wise man once told me never to trust a man who lives in London but works elsewhere. I never really understood why.
I'm not sure if I trust Jonesy. I'm just glad he's here.
[ 23.02.2007, 05:18: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: A wise man once told me never to trust a man who lives in London but works elsewhere.
I think I'd agree with that. But I'd say it only applies to a long term arrangement. Mine's just a freelance contract for a few months.
[ 23.02.2007, 05:21: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
I suspect if you are having to go 200 yards uphill from the station this means you must work very close the the excellent restaurant seven dials?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Next door, in fact.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I haven't eaten there. Is it really excellent? I've done most of the pubs in the area now. And also an excellent pub down in the laney bits called, I thinkk, the Eagle, where they had fantastic, well-priced food and a tiny puppy.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Have you ever used their toilet?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
That would be 201 yards away. A yard too far.
[ 23.02.2007, 05:33: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
Interesting fact for all.
Popular with the ladies forum member Jonesy999 works (according to google maps) 0.7 miles from my flat.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Small world. Are you still bald, Silver Ginger? Have you changed much? Would I recognise you?
[ 23.02.2007, 05:36: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Actually, don't answer that. Let Thorn detail, at length, how Silver Ginger's appearence has changed over the last, say, five years (that is, since I probably last saw a photo of him).
[ 23.02.2007, 05:38: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
To be honest, I've not eaten there either. I used to live up there when it used to be a Burger King so I suspect it's better than that. It gets pretty good reviews from people who have been there so it's probably alright. I was just showing off my incredibly knowledge of the area in a 200 yard radius of Brighton station really.
ETA - that was in reference obviously to your post of like 10.32. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of working from home and people seem to think they can come and talk to me when I'm trying to post on TMO which is a bit disgraceful really.
[ 23.02.2007, 05:41: Message edited by: SilverGinger5 ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
I too am new to the daily commute, it’s only 45 minutes door to door and 15 of those are spent standing on a train platform, and 10 walking to the metro so actual train time is only 20 minutes total. But I do enjoy it.
I have my MP3 player on, I sing along when there’s nobody around to whatever new album I’m trying out, today was the pre-release preview copy of Yours Truly, Angry Mob the new Kaiser Chiefs album, which is very good TBH so I arrived in a good mood and have stayed that way for most of the morning..
The girl with the nice legs smiled at me too which always lifts my spirits as she scowls at pretty much everyone else.
What I hate about the commute though is what it’s doing to my skin.. I look ‘ruddy’ and slightly weather beaten, my cheeks have a drunken flush about them and a certain soreness that only wind (or over zealously kissing someone with stubble) brings..
Thankfully I’m happy to shit on the train if I need to.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
The first post I read today contains details about somebody's toilet habits. That's why i like tmo.
Commuting is another one of those great topics for venting your spleen about the rest of the human race in the same way as discussing other people's spastic grammar is.
One thing I hate about commuting, since that too is my most regular habit apart from dumping, which i doubt very much I could do as much justice to as jonesy, are the smokers. I am like a magnet to smokers. They can clearly see a sign above my head which says: stand next to her and spark up because she might stop breathing and collapse and the excitement'll cheer up your dull, morning commute. I never stand under the canopy, of course, because it sort of hugs the smoke in, ready to wrap around any unsuspecting asthmatic, but how often do the bastards come and stand next to me anyway! The last one I asked, nervously, if he would mind moving away please, was standing next to a very large non-smoking sign too, but he shouted at me anyway. How am I meant to know, he screamed, you don't have a sign above your head! And his girlfriend sniggered at me. Bullying bastard.
The thing I like a lot about commuting is I get to listen to the radio. I started it because it cuts out everybody else's bleeding earphones. I can't listen to music through earphones without getting a headache so I started listening to Five Live in the morning and Radio 4 in the early evening because it is funny, even though it involves me looking like a complete plonker because I often laugh out loud.
Unlike jonesy I don't need a dump whilst I am travelling, but I need food on the way home so I always carry a banana in my bag. I carry it in a bright yellow banana guard and even though I should be used to it by now, it always makes me snigger when I pull out the large yellow, slightly curved, stiff object from my bag ready for my snack.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I haven't eaten there. Is it really excellent?
Absolutely.
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
My drive to work involves a half hour traffic jam every day. Its rubbish. The only positive thing I can find is it gives me the opportunity to cut my fingernails. I tried my toenails once and I wouldn't advise anyone to attempt this.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I can't believe the front some people have to just spark up a banana when you're on a train. Leaving aside its insulting phallic cock-like shape, like a huge dick, there's the strangling stench of putty, marzipan and vomit (these are the key ingredients of a banana, are they not?) filling the carriage and choking non-bananaers like a rancid blanket of monkey guff. Then they leave the skin behind like a naughty burnt octopus. Do you know how many accidents have been caused by second-hand banana skins, Sam? It's a huge worldwide problem. It was once dealt with thoroughly in mass media, films, variety shows, cartoons, the Goodies, the works. But Big Banana and the other major players in the Musa industry mobilized their armies of lawyers and ad men and marketeers in a conspiracy of 9/11 proportions. Result, no one is allowed to talk about it any more, and the fucking bananaers are free to spread their muck throughout our once great transport system.
[ 23.02.2007, 06:40: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Bloody bananas, they come 'ere to our country, mess everything up...
Send 'em back to the jungle, I say.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I can't believe the front some people have to just spark up a banana when you're on a train. Leaving aside its insulting phallic cock-like shape, like a huge dick, there's the strangling stench of putty, marzipan and vomit (these are the key ingredients of a banana, are they not?) filling the carriage and choking non-bananaers like a rancid blanket of monkey guff. Then they leave the skin behind like a naughty burnt octopus. Do you know how many accidents have been caused by second-hand banana skins, Sam? It's a huge worldwide problem. It was once dealt with thoroughly in mass media, films, variety shows, cartoons, the Goodies, the works. But Big Banana and the other major players in the Musa industry mobilized their armies of lawyers and ad men and marketeers in a conspiracy of 9/11 proportions. Result, no one is allowed to talk about it any more, and the fucking bananaers are free to spread their muck throughout our once great transport system.
LOL
But it is immensely satisfying wrapping one's lips around the soft, slightly yeilding silkiness that is the inner banana.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by squeegy: I tried my toenails once and I wouldn't advise anyone to attempt this.
Squeegy is steering the car with his feet whilst attempting to trim his toenails. As his car veers into the back of a truck, he makes some sort of exclamation ("ah, holy hell" perhaps). A burly truck driver approaches his car, as squeegy is faced with the task of extracting his tangled legs from the wheel, the nail clippers from his tangled legs, and a shred of dignity from the situation. In the distance, a mob of nosy meerkats stand erect to better enjoy the spectacle.
Poor Squeegy.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:Originally posted by squeegy: I tried my toenails once and I wouldn't advise anyone to attempt this.
Squeegy is steering the car with his feet whilst attempting to trim his toenails. As his car veers into the back of a truck, he makes some sort of exclamation ("ah, holy hell" perhaps). A burly truck driver approaches his car, as squeegy is faced with the task of extracting his tangled legs from the wheel, the nail clippers from his tangled legs, and a shred of dignity from the situation. In the distance, a mob of nosy meerkats stand erect to better enjoy the spectacle.
Poor Squeegy.
LOL. The meerkats are a master touch.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Good old banana porn. I'm shaved down to an iron thimble now.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Good old banana porn. I'm shaved down to an iron thimble now.
Happy to oblige Jonesy 'Call me snake' 999. Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I'm a bit bored. Can we have an old-style clusterfuck?
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: I'm a bit bored. Can we have an old-style clusterfuck?
It sounds interesting. What exactly is an 'old-style' one?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam:
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Can we have an old-style clusterfuck?
It sounds interesting. What exactly is an 'old-style' one?
[ 23.02.2007, 07:18: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Ooh, Misc, you and your saucy red cross!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Dirty bastard.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Ooh, Misc, you and your saucy red cross!
Hi hippychick. You're being enigmatic today. What's his saucy red cross?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam:
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Ooh, Misc, you and your saucy red cross!
Hi hippychick. You're being enigmatic today. What's his saucy red cross?
Don't tell her, H1ppy...
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam:
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Ooh, Misc, you and your saucy red cross!
Hi hippychick. You're being enigmatic today. What's his saucy red cross?
His anus?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Jesus...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Lol.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
sorry but, you know, anus.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
I commuted to London for 7 years or more, and learned to hate it. Moving to Holland, I've managed to avoid it - until now.
One of the downsides of my dying trend of work is that I have to go where the work goes. I tried cross training to something else at my last job but miss the kit I work with, so now I have to commute to Rotterdam every day, from Amsterdam - a distance of some 70 Kilometers, or according to maporama, 144 miles (possible in 54 mins at an average speed of 156.3 mph). I'm pretty sure 70 kilometers is about right.
It takes me on an extremely lucky day 1 hour and 45 minutes by Bus, train, Bus, Metro and Shank's Pony - to enjoy any time to myself after work I have to leave at 5.30, and I usually get home after 6 at night, often later. I could gripe for hours at the hell that is the Randstad Rail, but you've all got lives to live.
The strange thing is, so early in the morning you always see the same faces - the Indian girl, the odd Indonisian woman - a colleague of the Indian lady, yet refuses to sit with her on the tram. The man with the stick, the guy with the birthmarks on his face, and occasionally the incredibly pretty but permanently sad girl - often with a suitcase. There is no acknowledgement of recognition or camaradary at being up so damn earlyand no one says hello (which is a common thing in holland, even for strangers in Doctors waiting lounges, and at bus stops).
Its depressing, but the iPod and PSP usually avert the boredom (though this week its been replaced by sleep, both to and from work). And the one thing that has kept me going is the thought that monday, I can walk to work instead, as a couple of times a week I have been permitted to work from another office.
Commuting - I hate it.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: The incredibly pretty but permanently sad girl - often with a suitcase.
I think it's pretty obvious you should start the process of acknowledgement by having sex with this girl, Waynster.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Also, this thread wasn't supposed to be about commuting, more a window into your lives. Unless all everyone does is commute.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
It feels like all I ever do is commute. Well, except today when I am coming face to face with the eclecticness of my book collection and wondering why I ever bothered reading all that Martin Amis and who was such a cnut they bought me a book by Boris Johnson.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I think it's pretty obvious you should start the process of acknowledgement by having sex with this girl, Waynster.
Well it would certainly be a bit more novel than shaking hands I suppose...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
She's got a suitcase. Tell her you understand why she's sad. He's a bastard. Then offer her somewhere to stay.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Then, after she's gratefully had sex with you in the train toilet (look out for Darryn having a disgusting shit there, mind) you can slip off the train a stop early and start taking a different route to work.
[ 17.03.2007, 10:39: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: There is no acknowledgement of recognition or camaradary at being up so damn earlyand no one says hello (which is a common thing in holland, even for strangers in Doctors waiting lounges, and at bus stops).
Its depressing,
It can take me an hour and half to get home if I don't get a lift part of the way. It eats your life up, don' it?
This business of people not seeing each other has always struck me as weird too. How some people never, ever acknowledge you exist, even after years and standing next to you every morning. I sometimes look round just to see who they are staring through me at. There's never anyone.
Just as depressing are the people who think they are your best friends and want to share their lives with you every morning and they follow you on and sit with you.
I am such a bitch in the morning. I like to acknowledge people because it feels more human - but talk to them? Oh my god no.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
No one talks to you because of the banana thing.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
And the bitch thing too.
[ 23.02.2007, 07:37: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:originally posted by ralph, but he'll probably edit And the bith thing too.
Yeah, nobody like a bith.
[ 23.02.2007, 07:38: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
shut up
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: And the bith thing too.
Sam, yesterday.
[ 23.02.2007, 07:40: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hey, there's a jay in my garden. I love jays.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
A jay, today.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Apparently they're bastards, though.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: And the bitch thing too.
You know I love you ralph; it's that older man, beard thing you have going for you, but you are sooo cruel to me.
Would it help if we went out for a drink together and talked it over?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Sam has got this whole sexy banana eating, flirting sex kitten thing going on, hasn't she? It's good, I like it.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:Originally posted by ralph: And the bith thing too.
Sam, yesterday.
How the fck does anyone think to actually look for a bith on the internet?
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
She seems a bit unstable to me. Slightly manic, in a way.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I mean, I know it was a reference to ralph's sobriety but it still reads more like she's choking for it.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Then, after she's greatfully had sex with you in the train toilet (look out for Darryn having a disgusting shit there, mind) you can slip off the train a stop early and start taking a different route to work.
I see this said lady on the Metro between Nootdorp and Rotterdam, thus no Public Toilet. The seats are plastic, not unlike those you would find in a fast-food restaurant, so wipe clean which is good. I imagine as well the squeek of arse-cheek on said plastic might somewhat bring some unrequited attention from the other passengers - still I am sure the following journeys would ensure a nod and a wink from those who have until now not bid me good morning.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Actually I wonder if I should open my gambit with the young lady by offering her a Bannana?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam: Would it help if we went out for a drink together and talked it over?
I don't think so. Imagine what would happen if the two of us got together and added alcohol. I know I wouldn't be able to control myself.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: She seems a bit unstable to me. Slightly manic, in a way.
Coming from you that's a compliment. Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph:
quote:Originally posted by sam: Would it help if we went out for a drink together and talked it over?
I don't think so. Imagine what would happen if the two of us got together and added alcohol. I know I wouldn't be able to control myself.
[ 23.02.2007, 08:09: Message edited by: sam ]
Posted by saltrock (Member # 622) on :
I have a 40 minute drive to work everyday.
Pros: It's through the lovely Somerset countryside and some days, the very beauty of it all takes your breath away and makes you extremely happy to be alive.
Also, having that 40 minutes on the way home means that I have time to deal with all the work-stuff still going around my head, so that by the time I get home I am free from work worries [usually] and can relax and enjoy my evening.
Cons: Tractors. Nuff said.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: arse-cheek on said plastic might somewhat bring some unrequited attention from the other passengers
They're Dutch dude!
[ 23.02.2007, 07:57: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: I see this said lady on the Metro between Nootdorp and Rotterdam, thus no Public Toilet. The seats are plastic, not unlike those you would find in a fast-food restaurant, so wipe clean which is good. I imagine as well the squeek of arse-cheek on said plastic might somewhat bring some unrequited attention from the other passengers - still I am sure the following journeys would ensure a nod and a wink from those who have until now not bid me good morning.
AT LUNCHTIME by Roger McGough
When the bus stopped suddenly to avoid damaging a mother and child in the road, the younglady in the green hat sitting opposite, was thrown across me, and not being one to miss an opportunity i started to make love.
At first, she resisted, saying that it was too early in the morning, and too soon after breakfast, and anyway, she found me repulsive. But when i explained that this being a nuclearage the world was going to end at lunchtime, she took off her green hat, put her busticket into her pocket and joined in the exercise.
The buspeople, and there were many of them, were shockedandsurprised, and amusedandannoyed. But when word got around that the world was going to end at lunchtime, they put their pride in their pockets with their bustickets and made love one with the other. And even the busconductor, feeling left out, climbed into the cab, and struck up some sort of relationship with the driver.
That night, on the bus coming home, we were all a little embarrassed. Especially me and the younglady in the green hat. And we all started to say in different ways
how hasty and foolish we had been. But then, always having been a bitofalad, i stood up and said it was a pity that the world didn't nearly end every lunchtime, and that we could always pretend. And then it happened . . .
Quick asa crash we all changed partners, and soon the bus was aquiver with white, mothball bodies doing naughty things.
And the next day and everyday In everybus In everystreet In everytown In everycountry
People pretended that the world was coming to an end at lunchtime. It still hasn't. Although in a way it has.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
There was a great argument on here once about the Liverpool poets.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I hate changing at King's Cross, but apart from that I don't really mind my journey so much. It's like breathing, if you don't think about it, it happens anyway. King's Cross is awful though. It's complicated, with many streams of people all intersecting, and one false move can result in a twenty man pile up that'll cause the station to grind to a halt. You can't stop, you can't look around. You have to find and stick to the most efficient line possible. I've seen terrible things down there. The consequences of stopping to look at an advert, get a tube map from a bag, or suffer momentary decision-paralysis can be ugly and humiliating.
[ 23.02.2007, 08:08: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Try and catch her eye Wayne, so that she knows that you know that she knows that you've seen her and that you know that she knows that you know that she knows that you've seen her and she knows that you know that she knows that she's seen you..
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Then have sex with her.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Try and catch her eye Wayne, so that she knows that you know that she knows that you've seen her and that you know that she knows that you know that she knows that you've seen her and she knows that you know that she knows that she's seen you..
Blimey, I thought courtin' was supposed to be easier when you got older.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It gets easier once you start having sex with them.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Then have sex with her.
Do you think she will mind if I proceed directly after eye contact? Should one not woo first? See my above question about the banana.
[ 23.02.2007, 08:21: Message edited by: Waynster ]
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
DP - can't edit or spell banana
[ 23.02.2007, 08:20: Message edited by: Waynster ]
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster:
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Then have sex with her.
Do you think she will mind if I proceed directly after eye contact? Should one not woo first? See my above question about the banana.
One's banana should always be kept in a banana guard on the first date.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Woo her with eye contact, then have sex with her with the banana.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: There was a great argument on here once about the Liverpool poets.
[ 23.02.2007, 08:28: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Did you mean use the banana mart or just, you know invite it for a threesome?
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
My daily routine usually involves working from home, unless I'm expected to turn up at meetings and stuff across the north west or the west midlands. Sometimes I can usually manage a week before I have to go anywhere. Working from home has a lot of pros - I don't have to spend an hour and a half commuting to Birmingham any more, I can sleep in rather than stand on train station platforms in the freezing cold, I can saunter off to the kitchen to make my lunch when I feel like it, I no longer have to pretend to be interested and/or impressed when work colleagues start doing that competitive 'what I did at the weekend/what kind of house I am buying/I have several cars/my book is much more highbrow than yours' conversation type thing, I feel more like my job fits in around my life now (because I can be here when the children come home from school and I can prepare tastier evening meals and I'm not arriving home when they're getting ready for bed) rather than fitting my life in around my job. It's also great not to have to commute when up the duff. Having to stand on trains enormo-bellied while other commuters elbow you, tutting loudly because you're taking up some extra inches in the carriage , gives you nothing more than swollen ankles, an aching back and The Rage.
There are also cons, obviously. Sometimes I'll look at my watch and realise that, not counting emails or posts on internet forums, it's been a while since I actually spoke to someone. This can also be a good thing but, when you're doing a job that's as dull and unfulfilling as mine, you could do with a bit of conversational distraction. Consequently, I get bored quite easily and think things like "rather than read the latest draft of the North West Regional Infrastructure Investment Plan, I'll watch Black Books for a bit." Before I know it, the next thought that pops into my head is "Oh! It's been two hours! Perhaps I should check my emails to see if anyone has asked for my thoughts on that cocking plan yet!" The only other con I can think of is that all of my office based colleagues are like strangers to me - I don't see them regularly enough to build up any kind of familiarity with them. I can live with that, though.
[ 23.02.2007, 08:29: Message edited by: Sidney ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hey Sidnoi, I've been working with a brummie with the most amazing accent ever. Usually, he sounds just like an everday Birminghamer but some words are just something else - Woi do half the jaarb.
Why do half the job? It's extremely strange and doesn't sound brummie. I'll get you a video clip and you can listen to him and tell me what is going on with the freak.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
Well Jonesy, I suspect that may be dealing with a 'YamYam' rather than a brummie. That is, someone who comes from the Black Country. Lots of people in the village where I live are from the Black Country. I'd say about 99%, seeing as it's only 500 yards over the border from Wolverhampton. I often find myself overhearing conversations on buses and wondering what on earth they're talking about. Phrases like "Yam gooin uppee tarn tanigh, en-nye" which I think translates as "I am going up to town tonight, aren't I".
[ 23.02.2007, 08:37: Message edited by: Sidney ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm going to get you a clip of this guy. I want your professional opinion, you big ripe lovely.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
Lol Jonesy, that would be excellent. Hide a dictaphone up your sleeve and stand right next to him, asking about his favourite colour and stuff.
Actually, that happened to me once. In one of my old jobs, I had to call in an organisation that we'd funded for an interview, just to make sure that they understood all the terms and conditions and stuff. About halfway through the interview, one of the attendees gesticulated with his left arm and a dictaphone shot out of his sleeve and on to the floor. He grappled about on the floor for it while stammering "I just wanted to make sure that I didn't forget anything! Honest!" Oddly enough, this organisation was from the Black Country. In fact, the cause of the offending gesticulation was the culprit telling me how he'd just been voted Tiptonian of the Year.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sidney: Tiptonian of the Year.
Ha ha, what is this? It sounds excellent.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Is it a prize for being able to walk quietly?
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
I'd never heard of it before then and have to say I haven't heard of it since. Apparently, it is an award given to a resident of the town of Tipton (a borough within Dudley) in recognition of their work for the local community. I don't know what he'd done to deserve it. Flashing in a local park, probably.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Is it a prize for being able to walk quietly?
this is still making me lol, you know
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: Bloody bananas, they come 'ere to our country, mess everything up...
Send 'em back to the jungle, I say.
LOL. -----------
I no longer have to commute to and from work, therefore a two page long scowling rant from me will not be necessary. My hatred towards most of the population, as described beautifully by previous posters on this thread, means that I must work alone. I get extremely irritated by almost everything -- which makes enjoying things I love even more satisfying. At least that's what I tell myself.
The only downside is that sometimes it gets very quiet and, during such times, it is very tempting to spend literally hours browsing Pornotube (thanks not...), which makes you feel like a dirty little pervert - sat alone. In your house. Isolated with your own twisted perversions. I often feel like I am cracking up; my own thoughts being contorted into a mish-mash of severed car crash victims's limbs. It gives me headaches, which seem to be worsening in severity each time they arrive.
The sunshine then blasts through the windows; the clouds dispersing quicker than a gang of juveniles being caught jacking off outside the bedroom window of a pretty young teen - and all is fine and dandy.
[ 23.02.2007, 10:17: Message edited by: Zygote ]
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote:
quote:Originally posted by mart: Bloody bananas, they come 'ere to our country, mess everything up...
Send 'em back to the jungle, I say.
LOL. -----------
I no longer have to commute to and from work, therefore a two page long scowling rant from me will not be necessary. My hatred towards most of the population, as described beautifully by previous posters on this thread, means that I must work alone. I get extremely irritated by almost everything -- which makes enjoying things I love even more satisfying. At least that's what I tell myself.
The only downside is that sometimes it gets very quiet and, during such times, it is very tempting to spend literally hours browsing Pornotube (thanks not...), which makes you feel like a dirty little pervert - sat alone. In your house. Isolated with your own twisted perversions. I often feel like I am cracking up; my own thoughts being contorted into a mish-mash of severed car crash victims's limbs. It gives me headaches, which seem to be worsening in severity each time they arrive.
The sunshine then blasts through the windows; the clouds dispersing quicker than a gang of juveniles being caught jacking off outside the bedroom window of a pretty young teen - and all is fine and dandy.
LOL
This is almost enough to make me go to Leicester for that meet.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam: LOL
This is almost enough to make me go to Leicester for that meet.
You should come. It will be lovely.
[ 23.02.2007, 10:35: Message edited by: Zygote ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Things that are part of my routine:
I'm very good at the morning ablutions. I can be (shit, shower and shave - but for shit read ladylike tinkle and for shave read cleanse, tone, moisturise) through the bathroom and out of the door in about 15 minutes from start to finish, if absolutely necessary.
Pro:
It's quite satisfying getting into a rhythm in the morning. I can spring out of bed, samba through the shower, wander round with my sonic toothbrush with the radio on in the background, then satisfyingly clean and plump up my face and feel prepared for the day.
Con: I need these routines in order to do things. I'm crap at housework because I don't have any a normal day or time to do stuff in place - instead I just let the clutter accumulate until I eventually shriek 'Gah!' and set to for a marathon tidy-up. I'm useless at going to bed during the week because I get distracted by the latest book I'm reading, or by the sudden urge to sort out my paperwork, or something I recorded a week ago on the TV.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
My mundane morning routine is all about food. The other day I had failed to prepare the night before, so I found myself contemplating having to make seven meals first thing in the morning:
Breakfast x 3 (me, Gree, MiniGree) Lunch x 2 (me, MiniGree) Dinner x 2 (both MiniGree, who is so hungry after school she can eat two meals, one after the other)
You may think "why not just make her one really big dinner", but somehow it doesn't work out like that.
So, yes, it's ablutions, dressing, wake MiniGree, make tea, feed cats, start on Mini's lunch, then her breakfast, then Gree's breakfast, then Mini's dinners, then my lunch, then my breakfast.
Then, if I have time, I will smoke a cigarette on the sly downstairs in the grounds of our estate before being picked up to go to work.
Other times I am magically prepared and super-efficient, and the breakfast hour is a smoothly executed kitchen dance in which ergonomics reign and meals are beautifully packaged and served, dishes washed, and everyone gets the best possible start to the day.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: I can be (shit, shower and shave - but for shit read ladylike tinkle and for shave read cleanse, tone, moisturise) through the bathroom and out of the door in about 15 minutes from start to finish, if absolutely necessary.
That is genuine skill. I can only manage 35 minutes.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Your family are very lucky to have you, Mart.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Yeah sorry that sounded like I was showing off - not my intention (this time, at least).
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Actually it's not his family, he's the butler.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
Mart, would you be available for hire some time around the beginning of June by any chance?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I think I'd quite like a Mart in the morning.
Morning routine chez Louche:
Struggle womanfully from warm bed. Struggle womanfully into warm shower. Which black suit should I wear today? With which black top? And which black boots?
Difficult, difficult decisions.
Make coffee. Smoke fag. Imagine the various permutations of physical torture Cuntlinsky deserves that morning. Go to work. Have at least one road rage attack on way. Usually Lex-arse based.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Can someone level with me and tell the truth here: is being a parent a fucking nightmare?
[ 23.02.2007, 10:48: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote: Your family are very lucky to have you, Mart.
I second that.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I think they are taking advantage of you Mart. poor Mart
I have to have brekfast at work otherwise there is no motivation to get there. Sometimes this backfires (especially if I am a bit hungover) and I cant hold out that long, and end up getting some filthy pasty or something on the way. Then I am wracked with self loathing and indigestion for the first half of the day.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Can someone level with me and tell the truth here: is being a parent a fucking nightmare?
Yes. Especially hard at the beginning as you give up your previous self-centred life and essentially become a full time carer.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Surely a coffee and a fag is sufficient for breakfast. Why do people feel the need to eat things too?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:not Especially hard at the beginning as you give up your previous self-centred life and essentially become a full time carer.
I was kind of hoping the wife was going to do that bit.
[ 23.02.2007, 10:53: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I haven't done babies and have only a couple of years or so of childe, but yes it can be hard, hard, selfless work.
The ungrateful little shit.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Actually, the wife isn't going to do that bit because she can generally earn more money than me. I think me dreams of banging out sparkling scripts from home with one hand while feeding a baby with the other and posting on TMO with my cock is maybe not going to be the reality.
[ 23.02.2007, 10:56: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: I found myself contemplating having to make seven meals first thing in the morning:
It's unbelievable how it mounts up isn't it. It's like Groundhog Minute in our house, where everything you've just done you have to do again four more times. Cleaned your teeth? Good. Now get four more toothbrushes out and put toothpaste on them and clean four more sets of teeth. Had a nice bowl of Weetabix? Great. Now get four more bowls out and make eight lots of Ready Brek/Bran Flakes/Rice Crispies, all in different combinations.
And so for hours on end up till bed time when you have to get four lots of pyjamas on the right people and make them all go to sleep.
You won't hear me complaining though.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
My 'career' is going to go totally Ballamory.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Your eldest is about 14 or 15 though, isn't he? Is he a mental or something?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Things Mart learned in Spain: 1) Spanish, 2) tact.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Can someone level with me and tell the truth here: is being a parent a fucking nightmare?
I think nightmare is a bit strong, so I'd put it this way; spontaneity and self centredness leap out of the window in favour of advance planning and routine. Having said that, it's not all about advance planning and routine - it just makes things easier. There are lots of lovely bits too.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
lol
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
oh god he is isn't he
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Have at least one road rage attack on way. Usually Lex-arse based.
Lol. I got the Lex-arse just this morning.
Mart sounds like my Dad. In a nice way Mart. The old man used to do food & chauffeur duties for us, still does for my Mum.
My first daily rountine is pressing snooze around three times on my alarm. I now have it set early to compensate for this. Then ablutions and a cholesterol lowering yoghurt drink and on the road.
Then it's the drive to work, with usual talking/shouting to myself re-the driving of others. I'm often quite happy driving and listening to tunes though, often including the XFM 8 O'Clock Shuffle.
Then into work and change out of trainers into boots, have breakfast (Weetabix and fruit), and check mail/boards.
Then the rest of the day is pretty varied and really depends on what the powers that be direct me to busy myself with.
Used to have the Friday night default setting of The Pub but that seems to have been usurped in favour of Poker (which I fucking loathe) Nights.
[ 23.02.2007, 11:10: Message edited by: Boy Racer ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
In Gree's defence she takes care of most of the other domestic stuff - which works well because I love cooking, and she hates it. So it makes sense. And I'm certainly no hero. Just kitchen-savvy, I suppose.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: oh god he is isn't he
3) a sixth sense - the Catalan tingling which warns when to leave well enough alone.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Can someone level with me and tell the truth here: is being a parent a fucking nightmare?
No. It's not.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Thanks ralph.
[ 23.02.2007, 11:09: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
sorry
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Sorry to break up the mundane thread, but I didn't want to start a thread on such a boring topic. Everyone seems so grown-up on TMO now, you all know about these things.
I am thinking of going to see a mortgage advisor soon. I was just going to start off with my main bank (Lloyds). Obviously it's going to be massively depressing and they will laugh heartily at me for not having a boyfriend and a great salary. I basically want to know how many more k on my salary would make a difference so I can start negotiating for a payrise here. My question is: do I have to know/care about all the dull shit like interest rates/fixed/tracker things before I go? Can I just say "here are my finances, give me a figure", or do they expect you to have done a bit of homework? Just reading about it makes me do rolling spazz-eyes, head-lolling and mong noises. I probably shouldn't do that in the interview.
Thanks.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Christ. Now I'm roped in with Mart on the Inappropriate Bastard Step.
Dang, say something, for the love of Google.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: I am thinking of going to see a mortgage advisor soon. I was just going to start off with my main bank (Lloyds). Obviously it's going to be massively depressing and they will laugh heartily at me for not having a boyfriend and a great salary. I basically want to know how many more k on my salary would make a difference so I can start negotiating for a payrise here. My question is: do I have to know/care about all the dull shit like interest rates/fixed/tracker things before I go? Can I just say "here are my finances, give me a figure", or do they expect you to have done a bit of homework? Just reading about it makes me do rolling spazz-eyes, head-lolling and mong noises. I probably shouldn't do that in the interview.
Thanks.
Just tell them how much you earn, how much your deposit is and ask how much you could borrow. Simple.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
So are you actually thinking of buying a property, or is this solely for the purpose of salary bartering?
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
As far as I understand it, you go to some two bit company because everyone else has turned you down, they tell you they'll lend you more money than you ever thought you could get, which will be basically every penny you could possibly pay back each month. They'll hide the fact they're slapping you on 500%p/a interest, and when interest rates rise by 0.000001% you'll find your house and posessions being repossessed, you'll be out on your arse in the street sucking coked up business men's cocks just to get a few bucks together to start to pay back a zillionth of what you owe for a house you no longer own.
And all because you wanted to live in London so pushed that little bit harder so your £389k closet has its own sink rather than a shared bathroom used by heroin addicts. But hey, on the bright side, you'll probably have high ceilings.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Poor Ringo. Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:VP Everyone seems so grown-up on TMO now...
Will we all be posting on TMO as a bunch of pensioners in the future? It doesn't feel right really. I feel as though young guns should roll into town, chase everyone out of with their witguns and populate the place with new blood, creating the illusion of eternal youth. But, bearing in mind that this medium will be like communicating with one another through 78 vinyl in the future, when kids will be able to Skype the entire world at the same time (like some hideous borg collective of shits) by tickling a chip in their eye socket or something, it is only proper that we should be a bunch of old techno duffers, campaigning to have the old internet turned back on.
It will be a horrible experience to get back from a funeral (your last remaining school friend perhaps), turn on TMO and read yet another, 'RIP Infinite Jones' (e.g.) thread. Imagine being the last one here. Just perusing the Rest in Peace threads and straining arthritic fingers to post unrequited messages to ghosts.
It isn't that hard to imagine. Who could imagine all this grownupiness when fresh fingured youngsters were fucking each other and posting on Seethru.
I wonder if that last person will die at their keyboard.
[ 23.02.2007, 11:27: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
Vogon - if you are going solely for salary bartering purposes, then I would say that you wouldn't need to do any in-depth research. Just so as Jonesy said - present them with your salary and deposit info and ask what kind of mortgage loan amount that could get you. That will at least give you a starting point for negotiating a pay increase. If you're interested in an actual mortgage however, do have a look at what kind of mortages are on offer and think about which one would be best for you. I'd also recommend shopping around for mortgage advice rather than just going to one bank. I would also suggest avoiding any financial advisers based within estate agencies - in my experience, they are always shady, fact-avoiding, slimy gits only interested in their commission.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Whilst Sidney has a point regarding advisers in agents, I have to say that I found mine via my estate agent and he is totally excellent.
Also: bear in mind if you do use an adviser that most of them are commission-based: they usually get an up-front commission from the company whose product they recommend to you, plus an annual 'maintenance' commission for as long as your business stays with that provider. If you want to ensure that you get truly unbiased recommendations, find an adviser that works on a fee basis, who will waive the commission which is then paid to you (usually used by the provider to top up your investment/reduce your liability). The money that you are charged is obvious and direct, rather than being a stealth 'tax' within your product.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Thanks, grown-ups.
I would obviously do my homework and shop around before getting serious. I am aware that I mainly feel like I should get one due to increasing despair at being left on the shelf with no house/career/wedding in the bleak wasteland of my approaching 30s, but I know buying a property isn't something you should do just to keep up with your friends. I am depressingly sensible, really.
Re routines, I am a morning regular, usually first thing. However, if there's a delay, it's always quite pleasing to take a dump on work time.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
[Veep - something's been intriguing me - is your signature taken from Nathan's KMcF fuck-fantasy?]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: ...but I know buying a property isn't something you should do just to keep up with your friends.
Generally it's a pretty good investment as well. For example, the price of the average flat in Newbury went up by 17% in the last year.
:cunt:
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Dang, say something, for the love of Google.
Sorry, that wasn't a dramatic pause, we just had one of those management "right, can everyone listen up for a moment" office announcement things and I had to stop looking at TMO for a bit.
Nah, 16-year-old isn't a mental, it's ok. And we don't have to supervise him cleaning his teeth. But he does still have to get food supplied for him and have his clothes washed and that, so he still contributes to the general repetition of mundane tasks.
Anyway, it all adds up to a life of hard labour for both parents, but there is joy to be found in there too. Probably.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Yeh they fall over all the time. It's pretty amusing.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: But he does still have to get food supplied for him and have his clothes washed and that, so he still contributes to the general repetition of mundane tasks.
16 and can't feed himself or do a fucking load of laundry? Sounds pretty mental to me...
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
yeah, jesus. when ralph was that age he'd been living in a car for 18 months and had to frequently go out into the wild and hunt for his food
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: yeah, jesus. when ralph was that age he'd been living in a car for 18 months and had to frequently go out into the wild and hunt for his food
Don't be ridiculous Ringo. I was 18 when I lived in the car, and I've never hunted for food. But 16 and can't do laundry? My seven year old can do laundry!
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
An acquaintance of ours has a blind dog. Not a Guide Dog for the Blind, but a dog that has no eyes (still smells though). It's weird because it knows its territory perfectly and moves around confidently as if it can see normally, but then it suddenly will walk smack into a door or something, which is very funny. I bet blind babies are fucking hysterical.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Phew. I was worried he was a complete spastic, in a wheelchair, with no control of his bowels, drooling spittle and babyfood down his chin and onto his Orville the Duck sweatshirt, one side of his face horribly distorted by the palsy and wearing ill-fitting polyester trousers smelling of wee.
I think I would die of despair / love / exhaustion / horror / sadness if I had to look after a spastic. I feel genuine admiration for those that do.
Sorry, that veered into a rather odd bit of sentimental sincerity. I'm almost crying.
*pulls self together Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: I bet blind babies are fucking hysterical.
Their tiny eyes are only for tears. Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
I'm seeing Jeff Lloyds next Thursday. And I spoke to two recruitment consultants today. I'm making an excellent effort at dragging myself out of the rut.
TMO's Agony Aunts will no doubt be fascinated to hear that Putney Bloke has got back in touch and has been emailing me very chatty missives, and put me in touch of one of the recruitment consultants. Is there some kind of guidebook available for the workings of the male mind?
Jonesy- you make it up as you go along with the first child, and usually do a better job with the second, according to my parents (my dad left me to drown in the baby bath, as he didn't realise babies couldn't sit up alone).
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
fucking hell, tmo. a new friday low.
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
Babies. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.
Facts:
Babies are mammals.
Babies cry ALL the time.
The purpose of the baby is to flip out and sick on people.
Fwiw Jonesy I reckon you'll make an awesome dad, I mean having a dad who looks like Kurt Russell has to be seriously braggable surely?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: (my dad left me to drown in the baby bath, as he didn't realise babies couldn't sit up alone)
lol
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: But 16 and can't do laundry? My seven year old can do laundry!
I imagine he can do laundry. But we tend to do combined washes, you know. If we did a separate load for each person the machine would be going 24/7, instead of merely 12/7 as it is now.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: I imagine he can do laundry. But we tend to do combined washes, you know. If we did a separate load for each person the machine would be going 24/7, instead of merely 12/7 as it is now.
I understand that. But does he do a combined load? Is he capable? Does he help out at all around the house? I'm deeply concerned about him now...
[ 23.02.2007, 11:53: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: But does he do a combined load?
Come on, that's a pretty advanced ejaculatory technique you're talking about there, ralph...
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Is he capable?
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
lo oh dear misc
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Can someone level with me and tell the truth here: is being a parent a fucking nightmare?
I'll level with you..
It's not a fucking nightmare it's just different to anything you've ever done before. I guess some people hate it, some people love it. I loved it, I love it and can't wait to do it again.
It's easy at the start, y'know working from home, looking after the baby and that, all they do is sleep and eat, great, plenty of time for you..
A toddler (2.5) like Beckett is now, not so much fun as they are demanding, they want your attention so there's less free time, but they're learning and are like little information sponges so great fun.
Children, well you don't see them. Summer is 10 and all she really wants to do is sit on MSN talking to her school friends, watch TV and play games on her PC (If she's not playing outside or riding her bike) so I have plenty of time for me again..
Kids rock.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Why is Ringo cross?
quote:I bet blind babies are fucking hysterical.
I went to a wanky gastropub for brunch last sunday at about 12 - before the sunday roast rush, and it was packed with families with kids and 3 wheeled off road buggies (lol - one dad got pissed off with his kid and strapped it into the buggy, then pushed the buggy against the wall. Kid didn't like that. Quality parenting)...anyway there was also a blind kid. Dont know how old, about 2ft tall, and he had a little miniature white stick!
It was funny, then I felt bad.
His mum had amazing tits though.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby:
His mum had amazing tits though.
Next time Abby, take a camera.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: TMO's Agony Aunts will no doubt be fascinated to hear that Putney Bloke has got back in touch and has been emailing me very chatty missives, and put me in touch of one of the recruitment consultants. Is there some kind of guidebook available for the workings of the male mind?
Oh, I can never resist a bit of Auntying. Sadly, there is no guidebook for the workings of the male mind - I wish there was. Keep up the chatty missives, don't be the one who suggests meeting up for a drink of whatever, play it cool. Leave him to make the effort (it's the least he can do, seeing how he messed you about). This approach will also allow you to gauge the situation accurately (is he just being friendly or does he want to see you again?) without putting your foot in it.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Is there some kind of guidebook available for the workings of the male mind?
Yes. It was originally written by Jerry Hall's mother, then improved upon further by Jerry herself:
quote:My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
It doesn't seem quite perfect yet though. I'm quite partial to a maid in the bedroom myself, for example. But they're roughly on the right track anyway.
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
A cook in the bedroom could be interesting as well. Messy, but interesting.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm not really worried about becoming a father. If I ever do. I just wanted to grease the banter sled.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I'm shit scared of ever being a mother. I'd be arrested by social services after three days. I can't decide whether you're all just different, or more courageous or more stupid than I am. It's probably just the former.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I see-saw about being a father. Like, some days I think I'm not that fussed, and then other days it's like 'Fuck, I should get a kid before it's too late'. I don't know. It'd be easier if I found out I was sterile - remove the agony of choice.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: 'Fuck, I should get a kid before it's too late'
Sounds like you've been reading too much Bridget Jones, or handbag.com. Remember Nathan - as a man you can make babies until you're like ninety or whatever (assuming you're not a Jaffa). Look at that chap who was married to Anna Nicole Smith. That whole situation turned out pretty well...
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
If you want to be a hands on, footy playing, run about, knock about cool dad it's probably better to be early 30's than earky 40's..
Just based on how tired I am now...
That said, I'd still do it again..
Posted by Grianagh (Member # 583) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: In Gree's defence she takes care of most of the other domestic stuff - which works well because I love cooking, and she hates it. So it makes sense. And I'm certainly no hero. Just kitchen-savvy, I suppose.
ooo i sounded like a right lazy cow before you wrote this "i had better say something nice in case my wife is reading" post
you do sound a bit like captian kitchen but we do appreciate it. really. and the cape is awfully cute.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: If you want to be a hands on, footy playing, run about, knock about cool dad it's probably better to be early 30's than earky 40's..
Darryn's right. I get chest pains from two minutes of doing the hokey-cokey so Christ knows what state I'd have been in had I left it any later.
Also: there are no cool dads. Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Nice tag, Misc.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: [Darryn's right. I get chest pains from two minutes of doing the hokey-cokey so Christ knows what state I'd have been in had I left it any later.
Aren't you like... only just 30?
I've never understood your obsession with growing old. You've been referring to yourself as 'early middleaged' for years, and keep making out that you're decrepit, past it, etc. Is it a reaction against people who make embarrassing attempts cling to their youth almost into their forties, and against a media which often presents youth as the only virtue worth having or is it just that you see a kind of worldly dignity in old age that you aspire to?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
There's no dignity in the hokey-cokey, Bleak.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Al Jourgensen of Ministry is a cool dad.
edit: can't see him doing the hokey cokey, though. It just doesn't work. Like trying to picture Ian Huntley doing Jackanory.
[ 01.03.2007, 07:35: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
I don't know, Nathan - perhaps I'm just trying to be more like my hero, Dang 'Will you still feed me when I'm '65, who has single handedly made being an old, moaning old person seem somehow cool again.
Also - I have to face facts: I'm 33 in a couple of months. I was 26 when I begin posting on TMO. I was a young man then. I am a different man now - and the difference, I'm afraid, is age. I'm an old man now. Old. Like Dang. An old man.
It isn't so bad. Anyway, you'll be joining us soon enough.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
I'm not sure about the no cool Dads thing. Apart from my general issues with the term 'cool' I guess it depends on who's doing the judging and by what criteria you'd define cool dadness.
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