I'm woken by the sound of the bin-men crashing and banging in the street below me. Telltale stomach cramps warn me that my period is due. It's sunday morning, the day after the night before. I roll over in bed and discover that G has been replaced by a dent in the pillow. I lie there wondering where he could be. Maybe he just went to get a drink of water? I'll wait and kepe the bed warm.
Half an hour later I'm just drifting back off to sleep when, with a click my radio alarm goes off blasting out a Heart 106FM DJ introducing REM's "Everybody Hurts". It's then that I notice G's wardrobe is open and all of his clothes are gone.
I rush around the flat - the goldfish are gone, there's no TV, no video, no stereo, his playstation2 has gone... he's taken everything... oh. Not everything. He's left the computer.
It's then that I spy a note on the kitchen table:
I couldn't handle the bad sex any more.
I turn the note over, hoping for something else, some sign, some hope... nothing.
I run to the toilet to be sick, the stomach cramps really starting to kick in now, and vaguely aware that I didn't have a period last month.
With little else to do in the half empty flat on a sunday morning I sit down at the computer and log on. I wonder if anyone is around...
08:00
The Flatline Dixie has started a thread cut and pasted from the front page of the telegraph online called "Bush responsible for AIDS virus"
....
08:15
....
08:30
....
The forum crashes. Niffer tosses up between Ded4now or Handbad.
Actually, that could be part of the Perfect Day, too.
Three new threads in Life! Thanks Lickapaw, Amy and Phill!
On closer inspection the subject of all three is "What clothes are you wearing today?"
quote:
Originally posted by Niffer:
08:01The forum crashes. Niffer tosses up between Ded4now or Handbad.
8:02
Opting for Ded4Now, Niffer breaks down and cries when she realises that she'll have to defend four more polluting multinational corporations to be able to afford the new sign-up fee and monthly subs.
8:15
Carter logs on, finds that one of the funniest days on TMO for ages flew by when he was stuck in theatre all of yesterday.
Never mind, he thinks, I can really contribute today - and then his ****ing bleep goes off not five minutes after leaving the ward...
edit - timetravel is still theoretical.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Carter ]
Upon arriving at "work" and settling down to catch up, there are only two active threads on the entire forum.
One is a debate between Sabian and Misc in Web about the merits of CFT:Pro AX dial-up Ultra-Grot modems versus ER48-Zerus Tetra-Nanox broadband. The other is a thread in Life asking for recommendations for salad dressings.
He ends the post with the emboldened question,
In what way were you great at school?
Chocolatebuns posts in full gory detail, with photos, her birth story including how many stitches she had. She asks if anyone happens to have a good receipe for placenta bolognese as the family didn't appreciate her last attempt.
quote:
Originally posted by Vogon Poetess:
Samuelnorton posts
The upshot of this is that no-one will interact with each other for fear of a 'bandwagon jumping' accusation and the entire forum begins to consist of a series of unrelated posts with no community.
9.46 Kitty asks if somebody mentioned her.
I make the most insired, witty, and clever post of my life. Strangely enough, everyone actually reads it and responds.
9.51
Everyone says it was a bit shit and perhaps I shouldn't have bothered. Thus disproving the theory that people actually liek what I post. They mean it too.
a post is started about losing ones virginity. whilst on drugs. listening to music. on a bag of crisps. while reading your favourite book. and asking what everyone is doing this weekend.
Every thread I find seems to be a veritable wank off contest about bokes and shit obscure music. Nobody seems to realise that hardly anyone wants to read the collected lyrics of their favorite faux melodramatic songs. I find the forum boring and inpenetrable.
10.15
in an effort to entertain, I post a thread which contains exactly 578 double entendres. Not even Teflon replies.
Deadwood admits to having "been straight all along" before doing an IJ and posting homo-erotic messenger conversations with many of the forums most prolific posters, several of whom are married. Marriages break up and posters leave.
Quickly followed by posts about the differences between men and women.
Everyone assumes its a troll.
Its not, its the start of the handbag invasion.
Victoria tells us she's dropping her studies to persue a career in scat porn. She then tells Ben and Kovacs to "Fuck off you pair of perverted fucks" before detailing the delights of her new crack habit.
Several posters fall into the trap by replying and causing a vomit-inducing Ringolovefest.
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
10.25Victoria tells us she's dropping her studies to persue a career in scat porn. She then tells Ben and Kovacs to "Fuck off you pair of perverted fucks" before detailing the delights of her new crack habit.
That sounds like a pretty good day to me M9!
Fish loses job due to yet another stupid mistake. This time running the queens obituary with the banners relating to a story about Osama Bin Laden found shot in a cave in Iraq.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
He fails.
Its really kicking off in "cats or dogs", so much so that ben has "happened across" old material from various posters declaring their undying love for cats. This contradicts their current stance of love of all things canine. There is a cold chill passing through the forumites as they shudder at what else could be held in the archives of the wetherby whalers customer of the year (2000-03).
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Bob ]
Shortly thereafter, the posting spree is found to be a malfunction of froopyscot's AI software, which in turn leads to the discovery that froopyscot is actually a steam-powered babbage-enhanced creation of Dr When, who is summoned to make the necessary repairs.
11:04 : Darryn investigates and uncovers the disturbing truth that:
Shortly thereafter, Darryn announces the TMO forums will be closing and posts a link directing forumites to continue their discussions on www.thechurchofben.com. Hallelujah.
edit due to taking too long before clicking 'submit'
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: froopyscot ]
Ever caring, affable and thoughtful, Mart finds some recipes that might be of interest to Chocolatebuns.
quote:
Placenta Recipes (Mothering Magazine, September 1983, Vol. 28, pg 76) Each placenta weighs approximately 1/6 of the baby's weight. Cut the meat away from the membranes with a sharp knife. Discard the membranes.Placenta Cocktail: 1/4 cup raw placenta, 8oz V-8 juice, 2 ice cubes, 1/2 cup carrot. Blend at high speed for 10 seconds
Placenta Lasagne: Use your favorite lasagne recipe and substitute this mixture for one layer of cheese. In 2 tbl. olive oil, quickly saute meat of 3/4 placenta, ground or minced plus 2 sliced cloves of garlic, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/2 diced onion & 2 tbl. tomato paste, or 1 whole tomato.
Placenta Spaghetti: Cut meat of 3/4 placenta into bite size pieces, then brown quickly in 1 tbl. butter plus 1 tbl. oil. Then add 1 large can tomato puree, 2 cans crushed pear tomatoes, 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 tbl. molasses, 1 bay leaf, 1 tbl. rosemary, 1 tsp. ea. of salt, honey, oregano, basil, and fennel. Simmer 1 1/2 hours.
Placenta Stew: Meat of 3/4 placenta in bite size chunks, 1 potato (cubed), 1/4 cup fresh parsley, 2 carrots, 3 ribs celery, 1 zucchini, 1 large tomato, 1 small onion. Dredge meat in 1 tbl. flour mixed with 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp. paprika, pinch of cloves, pinch of pepper, 6-8 crushed coriander seeds. Saute meat in 2 tbl. oil, then add vegetables (cut up) and 4-5 cups of water. Bring to full boil, then simmer for 1 hour.
Placenta Pizza: Grind placenta. Saute in 2 tbl. olive oil with 4 garlic cloves, then add 1/4 tsp fennel, 1/4 tsp. pepper, 1/4 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp. salt, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/4 tsp. thyme, and 1/4 cup of wine. Allow to stand for 30 minutes, then use with your favorite home made pizza recipe. It's a fine placenta sausage topping.
He accompanies the post with a picture of himself holding a placenta cocktail in a Y-shaped glass. A smear of placenta juice gleams on his upper lip, Dirty Sanchez style.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: London ]
Nightmareishest image *ever*.
[edit to add: please can NO-ONE attempt to phoo such an image - it's bad enough in my head as it is. Never again will I be able to watch young Marth raise a merry glass benwards without shuddering like an ox with toxic shock.]
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: ben ]
fish has sex with animals for fun
12:45
Having wanked like a gibbon, Ringo now posts the link. And takes time to critique Fish's performance with the iguana.
quote:
Originally posted by Wolfie:
Thorn blurts out "London, I think I've fallen in love with you", seconds before Rose makes her six-monthly visit to the forum.
quote:
Orginally posted by Thorn Davis:
Shut up you ****!
quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Benway:
lol@the stupid spastic in the suit.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Wolfie ]
SteveWright01 -- [Mr Mad]Mental!!![/Mr Mad]
Posse01 -- lol
Posse02 -- lol
Posse03 -- lol
A noob starts a thread entitled "whats your faverite quotes from Withnail & I!" Three pages are instantly filled with one line quotes.
Mart has a brilliant idea for an exciting new thread. It's going to be a good one.
Kurve starts a thread doing a Ben Elton-esque comedy rant about a topical news story of the day.
Having raided the stationary cupboard for tippex and huffed his way to glory, Bob treks up to the computer attached to the sequencer and starts posting from there. Rapidly increasing his chances of getting found out by his boss as a slacker.
Mart's new thread - the "Number of Posts So Far" thread - has descended into farce, and his role on the boards is once again being seriously doubted.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: chocolatebuns ]
Amy responds to CB asking her if she can come over for dinner. Then realizes she doesn't live around the corner.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Amy ]
CB posts about picking bogies and enquires if everyone's taste the same.
Sidney starts a thread that includes her first ever attempt at that photo shop thingy. No one reads it. She begins to wonder if she is, in fact, invisible.
Someone, anyone, posts up their holiday pics.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
realising that a rescue attempt must be made, bob responds to the next thread he sees with the immortal words "i fuck dogs".
Nobody sees the funny side.
Someone points out that their little sister died being fucked by a dog.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
She then starts a fight with an established forum member over something she doesn't understand.
quote:But posts a "shy" picture of herself to make up.
Originally posted by fish:
She then starts a fight with an established forum member over something she doesn't understand.
Darryn stomps off.
Error 404 not found
quote:
Originally posted by herbs:
17.30
The donkey wanders off its treadmill, and starts shagging a passing ass. Then expires.
Tragically, the passing ass involved belonged to Steely.
He promises "furthermore that all discussion shall, to wit, be free and frank and with no lesser whit of turning over of applecarts and saying boo to politically correct sacred geese than was ever not formerly the case. Ever."
quote:
Originally posted by fish:
Sweet gets upset when she realises that Harlequin's directions lead to her house.She then starts a fight with an established forum member over something she doesn't understand.
I will now email 3 naked pictures of myself to anyone who asks me for them except fish!
You have until 6pm to post you email addresses.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: sweet ]
Pay no attention to Fish - he's a broken man on this forum, lower even than "Jones 99" or "Bandway".
jonesylad999@hotmail.com
fuck
Spare a thought for my modesty!
quote:
Originally posted by sweet:
I will now email 3 naked pictures of myself to anyone who asks me for them except fish!You have until 6pm to post you email addresses.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: sweet ]
Damn... Am I too late ? They don't have to be nekkid...
As Admin I have the right to see what your face looks like as I never get over for meats (well, not often) and therefore can't letch with such great aplomb as the others...
You know it makes sense..
editor@themoononline.com
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
hott
Worth choking the chihuahua over hott ?
Sent.
But that was the last one!
Ooh, that's rubbish! I can see the blurring and the text isn't justified.
What's it meant to be saying anyway. 
Scrawny logs on to find that the funniest thread ever has descended once again into a lamearse attempt by the forites to wank temselves off over the newest forette's naked breasts. Posts acerbic comment slating Ben and Ringo as the worst kind of knobcheese.
18:33
Scrawny shows usual dedication to nastiness by panicking and editing.
18:34
...but not quickly enough. Misc Files pops up with Scrawny's post quoted and accuses her of being a bitter and twiosted old hag ever since Bailey and Octavia clubbed together to nick her "Queen of the Boards" crown.
18:35
Scrawny can think of nothing to say to this.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
quote:
Originally posted by kovacs:
Come onnn Scrawny, Bailey had the crown before you.
She did NOT!!!!
I remember distinctly. Trust me, this is an issue. 
quote:
Originally posted by kovacs:
Is anyone else...sickened.
Is it something you ate ?
And double lol for saving sweet's 'shy' picture.
The more I think about it, the more it seems that "forum queen" = "publicly fancied by Ben".
quote:
originally posted by kovacs:I was sure Bailey's reign as The Blonde Girl was prior to Scrawny's "Red Coat" period.
I think you're right.
21:17
Scrawny fucks it up again, and succeeds in making herself appear a bitter and twisted old hag who's been doing nothing since her arrival on the boards but make detailed notes about which forette currently holds the title of "Queen of the boards".
21:18
Misc Files agrees.
21:19
Scrawny can think of nothing to say to this.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: scrawny ]
I am a bitter and twisted old hag tonight though. Boy has headed off to Magaluf for some goddawful stag weekend and london (the city, not the forette) is kicking my ass.
Basically, this job...I'm not going to find out now till next Tuesday, by which time I may find out that I've sold myself woefully short on the house I'm considering putting a deposit down on. Please somebody tell me I'm going to find both a job and a house and everything will be ok.
Oh, and Sweet, gimme that tiara back.
So your boyf is away, huh? Tough call. Do you have any pictures of his cock you can post?
I am so very sad tonight. London is beating me.
quote:
Originally posted by kovacs:
I was sure Bailey's reign as The Blonde Girl was prior to Scrawny's "Red Coat" period.The more I think about it, the more it seems that "forum queen" = "publicly fancied by Ben".
O the hypocrisy.
As I recall it was not me who foamed and swooned and got hot about armpits describing the (indisputible) assets of "The Blonde Girl" - nor me who squired her to the Rick D. Joshua & Nightowl's Couples meat, gloating afterwards about it how he and she were "wivout doubt the new forwum gawldon capple"
Also: grateful former proteges might do well to remember how the stalwart figure of "ben" was their kindly forum comforter - long before the gadarene herd discovered one night that Scrawny = "weww fit" (anon.)
O how soon people forget!
O the want of justice in this place!
<david attenborough>amazing. they can keep hitting each other like that due to their thickened skulls and strengthened neck muscles.</david attenborough>
quote:
Originally posted by Vogon Poetess:
Yeh, but which one's the biggest cock, innit?
Seems a bit harsh VP.
quote:
Originally posted by Bob:
<david attenborough> at the peak of their powers.</david attenborough>
A bit over-generous, I'd say.
quote:It always comes down to cock size in the end. It's why men invented trousers, to keep women guessing.
Originally posted by Bamba:
Seems a bit harsh VP.
quote:It's possible you mean men, there, Bob. But at least when the wonderbra's gone, there's a backup. If the trousers drop and Mr Pinky is not all you'd hoped...what then?
Originally posted by Bob:
yes and us being the suckers we are for that, we go and invent the wonderbra. so women too can play the guessing game.
[ 04 July 2003: Message edited by: Bob ]
[ 04 July 2003: Message edited by: London ]
quote:Hah! Fooled you! I am in fact so shallow you wouldn't get your feet wet if you tried to splash in my hidden depths, and I have as much wit as Terry Wogan. Which, as I'm sure you'll agree, is considerably less than the lovely Pam.
Originally posted by Bob:
Yes. Thats true Octavia.
How insightful and witty you are. Here have one of these.
21.30 By contrast, the most successful thread is one where three people talk what to the majority of the forum is C-Beebies-style gibberish about cows, furniture and bells.
quote:
Originally posted by Raz:
Also: I want a pichure of Mart's cock and VP's fanny, stat.
In the same shot? I thought that picture had been deleted off Mart's camera.