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Speakers Corner
Speaker One - Nick Ransom

helen Let's Get Ready to Rumble.
With a new Big Brother looming once again on our TV horizon, I felt the need to vent.

Okay, so we all know there's this virus going around called reality-television. You know it. You've seen it.
Eight or nine media mad whores in desperate need of attention agree to be locked in house, marooned on an island, chained up to each other....whatever.
Before you know it, millions of people are eating pot noodle in front of the television, waiting in gleeful anticipation for someone to initiate conflict or a roll in the hay.

Of course, no-one admits this. You've heard the arguments from the converted. "No, I just want to see who gets voted off next." - "No, I just want to see if they're able to get on with each other" - "No, I just want to see if it is actually possible to construct a bird-house using 200 matches and a breast pump."
It's shit!

We only watch these shows on the off-chance that the contestants will either punch each others' lights out, or get jiggy with each other.

Let me be blunt about this; I don't have a problem with reality TV. The reason being, that in this day and age, ranting about shows like Big Brother and Survivor will get you about as far as ranting about the fact you are someday going to die. It's inescapable at this point.

The hordes have spoken. But why mask the reason we watch this offal? Reality TV captures audiences by appealing to the voyeuristic impulse we all have, on its most base, primal level, and each new reality-based show seems to up the stakes on its predecessor.
Initially it was a bunch of morons stuck in a house, faced with the task of co-existing in relative peace.
Then came Survivor, where contestants were not only expected, but actually encouraged to stab each other in the back.
Then we got Temptation Island, The only thing missing from the opening episode was the host handing out birth-control pills and condoms to these slavering morons as they stepped off the boat.

Not that I have a problem with any of this, but dammit, if RTV's course is set, what's with all this pussy-footing? Why dangle a carrot? Let's race to the finish line! Instead of Big Brother and Survivor, let's have some good-old-fashioned gladiatorial combat.
Instead of Temptation Island, why not just have a show called Fuck-Fest and be done with it? That's scheduled programming I'll tune in for.

"At Ten O' Clock there's Battle to the Death live from the Millennium Dome, but first on ITV it's Fuck-Fest."
At least it'll give the puritans something to complain about other than Chris Morris. And who knows how popular it'll be when it comes time for the celebrity spin-off for Red Nose Day?

Even if you have no interest in watching a gang-bang involving the members of S-Club-7, don't tell me you don't want to see a battle to death involving Geri Halliwell, Craig David and Billie Piper!


by Nick Ransom.













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