posted
The winds appeared to have died for the moment and the sails of the Good Ship TMO sag lifelessly from their masts. Rotting hunks of textual flotsam and jetsam bob on a millpond sea, drifting beyond the sharpest of eyes. The crow's nest is redundant. There is nothing.
"Aggghhghghghghghghh," say the crew, "We need a fair wind and no mistake."
But where will we find this wind? We need something to drive us, we need a motivational speaker.
Fear not, oh hearty lads, oh beautiful lads, Gordon Poole provides motivational speakers for every occasion.
So, the forum is suffering a lull at the moment, Gordon, who can you provide to bring the wind back to its sails?
Hahahahahahaha. I've been speaking to people like you guys for over ten years now. Blue chip companies, captains of industry, FTSE 1000 companies, you name them, I've motivated them. Hahahahahahahahaha. [CHOKING ON MIRTH]. Excuse me.
Right, posting on The Moose Online is a lot like....sorry? Oh Hahahahahahaha. Posting on the Moon Online is a lot like running a 400 metres race in the 1990 European Championships. If you imagine the Loaf forum as a circular racetrack, a bell rings and you have a single lap left. That's like 5 o'clock when you guys stop working, right? Hahahahahahaha. So, how do WE apply this to YOUR lives, to YOUR posting? Well, my FIT4Posting speech will explain everything YOU need to know for YOU to succeed in maintaining a healthy online community. This speech has LEGS and they run FAST.
So, your manager here, Darryn, imagine he, Darryn, is like Ron Pickering in We are the Champions (A good man, a good show, but hardly The Record Breakers). It isn't hard to do eh? What's your name? No you?
"Stefanos."
OK, Stefanos, right Stefanos. Can you imagine Darryn here as Ron Pickering, Stefanos?
"I...I don't know what you're talking about."
Stefanos, hahahahahahaha, so, Stefanos. Of course YOU, Stefanos, don't know what I'm talking about, Stefanos. That's because, Stefanos, YOU don't have any PF, or "post fuel" as I like to call it. Thanks Stefanos.
Right, where were we? So, two hundred metres it kicks in and you think, "Hahahahahahahahahahaa. But what about Media Junkies?"
Hold that thought, because it's your running spikes. You need them.
So, Carl Lewis is posting in the Webs forum. He's fast but YOU can catch him if YOU crank up that post count and DIG in. Always dig in. I like to call this my motivational spade. Hold it. What's your name, little falla? Benway? OK, Benway, hold it Benway, hold the motivational spade.
"I...I can't see it"
Yes, yes you can, trrryryryrry There's a big 'I' in try.
"No, no there isn't."
Just see it, Benway, Benway, feel the motivational spade.
"I can't...I can't see it…and...well, frankly I'm a little uncomfortable with the term."
'Motivational'? I know, it's a big word, Benway, but when I've finished, you'll be big men, Benway. Hold, it, go on, it won't bite, Benway, hold the motivational spade, Bewnway.
"I...is...is it invisible?"
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Yes, it's invisible to those, Benway, who, Benway, don't, Benway, want to see it, Benway.
"Right. I'm holding the motivational spade, Kris."
Good, good, good man, Benway, Benway, Benway. Now, dig in. HAhahahahahahaha, use that baby to dig in. Are you digging?
"I'm digging."
Do you dig it?
"I dig it."
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, hahahahahahahahahaha, Benway, Benway, now dig, dig, dig dig, are you digging, dig, Benway, dig, dig dig dig.
Now you can do anything. You can run 400-meter race or you can turn this failing bakery business around...as long as you dig in.
"I....haven't....I....don't…..bakery?!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get the hang of it.
OK, so to sum up, hahahahahhaha, yeeeeah!
Any questions?
Anyone else want to have a try at motivating the forum? Until Gods Plumber returns to rescue the internet, Gordon Poole has many other speakers, or you could just post something inspirational. Anything. Go on guys, Motivate!
posted
Christ that's spooky! I was looking at their website earlier to try and find someone to speak at a meeting we are having on Wednesday. You know, a sort of "C'mon everyone, chins up! Change is a gooooood thing, honest!" sort of a speaker.
Unfortunately, it's too short notice for most of them and the ones that I can get all cost about £8000 for the two hours I want them for. So, no go.
If any of you lot fancy coming and doing a motivational speech on "The Joys of Change in the Workplace - how to make the most of chaos" then do please e-mail me on trask.s@gmail.com and I will put you on the short list. Fee - a packet of jammy dodgers and a snog.
-------------------- Call that a contribution? Posts: 1162
| IP: Logged
posted
If you can sign Thorn Davis or Doctor Benway to be your motivational speaker, I would like to come to your Concert of Positivity, Saltrock.
Posts: 7733
| IP: Logged
God, that website is like basketweaving for MBEs and the braindamaged isn't it?
Saltrock, for £8000, a snog and a packet of jammy dodgers I can point out that the only good thing about organisational change is that you get to come back as a consultant, be despised by your peers and be paid in used banknotes, snogs and jammy dodgers.
Thorn Davis or Doctor Benway would probably put it more succinctly - and carry through on the snog.
Posts: 915
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by OJ: Saltrock, for £8000, a snog and a packet of jammy dodgers
Christ, they're not getting the £8k on top of the snog and the biscuits! The latter two are ALL they are getting. Somehow I think I'm going to be doing this talk myself eh?
-------------------- Call that a contribution? Posts: 1162
| IP: Logged
posted
Your threads can FEEL bigger TOO, with the jonesy999 Power Posting Technique!
Hi, I respond to everything. In 2003 I realised that by responding to my own threads over and over again, I could make them look bigger. You could apply this to your workplace and increase productivity by a big lot.
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Yes. One of those guys on Leicester Square did it. Personally, I think it's a rubbish likeness.
But it looks just like Kurt Russell. Because it is, I'd wager.
Yeah, the guy's sat at home and drawn about 3,000 Kurt Russell pictures, tweaks them slightly on the easel and hands them to the punters. They go off thinking, "wow, have I got more handsome of late? I look just like Kurt Russell!", the guy at the easel gets his spondoolies and everyone is happy. Result!
-------------------- Call that a contribution? Posts: 1162
| IP: Logged
posted
Has anyone else clicked on the "Animal Masks. ALL ANIMALS" link and spent a bit too long looking at all the animal masks?
A thought: we could have a thread that was all about the shittest threads we could think of. My suggestion is a thread where everyone posts as an animal.
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden. Posts: 4941
| IP: Logged
posted
"At first we weren't sure if Jonesy would ever post again. He had always been such a vibrant and happy newbie, a real TMO angel. We used to joke that he was 'the saviour of boards', and after two or three of years of hard work, it looked like he was on track for winning the 2002 best poster award. We were all really proud. Then, one evening in May, we got an pmail from an anonymous internet friend, telling us that there had been...an...an...I'm sorry..
(do you need some time?)
(can you carry on?)
(*nods*)
(be strong..)
...s-some kind posting accident. So, we turned on the internet, and drove Explorer over to the thread that was mentioned in the pmail..and...(deep breaths)...Jonesy was there....on his own...and, we could see straight away that something was wrong. He'd (oh God this too much...)He'd started a thread about....
...about...
[Fade to black]
[Fade up]
[Text on screen reads: "five minutes later"]
..I'm okay to carry on now, yes, thank you... So, we saw that Jonesy had started a thread on... s-sandwiches... I..We... We always knew that he liked to experiment with posting, and we always took the opinion that as long as he was safe, we didn't mind because we...we..could see what he was doing. But, we had no idea that he was thinking about a thread related to favourite sandwiches. Once or twice he'd mentioned them, but...we thought.. that he understood, that he knew about starting threads, that he was being safe... So, you know, to see him, all on his own, at the top of this thread about sandwiches...We..
[sound of sobbing off camera]
We..We b-blamed ourselves, we were angry at ourselves for letting this happen, For not taking the time to guide him...We learned that sometimes, you have to be strong for those around you....Oh God... you-you don't know what it's like to see a forumite that..I mean, not a single response..Just this white..this huge expanse of white....It was our worst nightmare come true.
[Music start]
..So, we started Jonesy on the program. It was hard work at first, teaching him all over again. After the sandwich thread, it was hard for us to trust him like we used to. It...It was like we were strangers, that we'd never met before. When he responded, threads died, and as I was saying, we were worried that he'd never post again...But..well..see for yourself...
[cut to Jonesy, reclining in a wicker chair in a conservatory]
Well, you've heard the gruesome story about my sandwich thread, and I have to tell you now, that not one word of that is a lie. I know that I may seem to have it all now...this chair...my tag... the hundred of lols that I get from fans every day. But after that Sandwich thread, I had nothing. I mean nada, zero, zip. Sometimes I'd spend whole days with my cursor over 'Add Reply', fighting to try and bring myself to respond again. I could see other posters were receiving lols and smiley faces, but, well, I just didn't know where to begin. Whenever I posted, All I could do was edit it to an X... I was a mess. That's until I discovered the "Respond to Everything" course. Responding to Everything helped me, and I know that it could help you too. Come here, I wanna show you something...
[Jonesy stands up, and enters the 'team maclaren' pose. The lights cut, so that he is silhoutted against the lit backdrop. The set splits to reveal a giant venetian courtyard, lit with spot lights. A line of dancing girls, all wearing Jonesy's face as a cardboard mask begin can-canning across the set, Jonesy begins singing into a banana as if it was a microphone]
[to the tune of 'I will survive']
Some say that I was done - I was petrified; one thread about a sandwich and the net had died; I could no longer respond, I couldn't click on 'add reply' I couldn't post on TMO because my smiley face now cried ... But now I hit that button every night and day, posting all the time - you wish I'd go away, I'm on every single thread, even when the boards are dead I know that you're all starving so prepare to be force-fed.....
[beat]
[lights up - five hula dancers slide down ropes to alight behind Jonesy, and begin to dance]
So...now...GO! Write all the TIME! And it's your turn now cause if it's not, it must be MINE! Nobody here cares if your post makes any sense, just don't be quiet - and don't keep us in suspense!
[beat] Res-pond... a-WAY! post every DAY! It doesn't matter 'what', but it's 'how much' you've got SAY! I had no more lols to bring now I respond to everything and I'll survive! I will survive! Hey- Heyyyy!
[orchestration]
[Cut To VT of Jonesy jogging across a beach, then turns to face the camera, and points, beaming. Freeze frame].
[ 24.10.2005, 11:14: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
posted
Yeah, the first Monday without Thorn. Which is a pisser because I was hoping he would comment on these benway nightmare style, except actually real girls possibly with a written confirmation he would kick them in the face, because that would be excellent.
[ 24.10.2005, 11:15: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Yeah, the first Monday without Thorn. Which is a pisser because I was hoping he would comment on these benway nightmare style, except actually real girls possibly with a written confirmation he would kick them in the face, because that would be excellent.
They have grown up a bit - they were on the Louis Theroux thing he did on racists - sad that their mothers perverted outlook on her fellow man has to be brainwashed into her kids.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
to Benway.
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic