I'm woken by the sound of the bin-men crashing and banging in the street below me. Telltale stomach cramps warn me that my period is due. It's sunday morning, the day after the night before. I roll over in bed and discover that G has been replaced by a dent in the pillow. I lie there wondering where he could be. Maybe he just went to get a drink of water? I'll wait and kepe the bed warm.
Half an hour later I'm just drifting back off to sleep when, with a click my radio alarm goes off blasting out a Heart 106FM DJ introducing REM's "Everybody Hurts". It's then that I notice G's wardrobe is open and all of his clothes are gone.
I rush around the flat - the goldfish are gone, there's no TV, no video, no stereo, his playstation2 has gone... he's taken everything... oh. Not everything. He's left the computer.
It's then that I spy a note on the kitchen table:
I couldn't handle the bad sex any more.
I turn the note over, hoping for something else, some sign, some hope... nothing.
I run to the toilet to be sick, the stomach cramps really starting to kick in now, and vaguely aware that I didn't have a period last month.
With little else to do in the half empty flat on a sunday morning I sit down at the computer and log on. I wonder if anyone is around...
08:00 The Flatline Dixie has started a thread cut and pasted from the front page of the telegraph online called "Bush responsible for AIDS virus"
The forum crashes. Niffer tosses up between Ded4now or Handbad.
8:02
Opting for Ded4Now, Niffer breaks down and cries when she realises that she'll have to defend four more polluting multinational corporations to be able to afford the new sign-up fee and monthly subs.
8:15
Carter logs on, finds that one of the funniest days on TMO for ages flew by when he was stuck in theatre all of yesterday.
Never mind, he thinks, I can really contribute today - and then his ****ing bleep goes off not five minutes after leaving the ward...
Upon arriving at "work" and settling down to catch up, there are only two active threads on the entire forum.
One is a debate between Sabian and Misc in Web about the merits of CFT:Pro AX dial-up Ultra-Grot modems versus ER48-Zerus Tetra-Nanox broadband. The other is a thread in Life asking for recommendations for salad dressings.
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden.
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9.20 The salad dressing thread has become a five-page slanging match between ben and Snorton, started by Snorton confessing a preference for white Caesar rather than the browner French dressing.
Posts: 4537
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9.30 Samuelnorton posts the 2000 word original first draft for the personal statement on his UCAS form; describing in detail his exciting hobbies, culinary preferences, the subjects he's good at and what each teacher thinks of him.
He ends the post with the emboldened question,
In what way were you great at school?
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden.
chocolatebuns
Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable ?
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9.32
Chocolatebuns posts in full gory detail, with photos, her birth story including how many stitches she had. She asks if anyone happens to have a good receipe for placenta bolognese as the family didn't appreciate her last attempt.
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09.40 A blazing row erupts on the forum. Everyone is slagging each other off, and everyone responds with the ziggy/fifichan/norton/steelgate defence: "If anyone else had posted that, it would have gopne unnoticed".
The upshot of this is that no-one will interact with each other for fear of a 'bandwagon jumping' accusation and the entire forum begins to consist of a series of unrelated posts with no community.
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9.45 Infinite Jones posts the first of three hundred and fifty-eight threads inspired by the shapes made by his pubic hairs as he plucked them and tossed them onto the floor during his tutorial that morning.
I make the most insired, witty, and clever post of my life. Strangely enough, everyone actually reads it and responds.
9.51
Everyone says it was a bit shit and perhaps I shouldn't have bothered. Thus disproving the theory that people actually liek what I post. They mean it too.
a post is started about losing ones virginity. whilst on drugs. listening to music. on a bag of crisps. while reading your favourite book. and asking what everyone is doing this weekend.
-------------------- and the porpoise was waving "goodbye goodbye"
Every thread I find seems to be a veritable wank off contest about bokes and shit obscure music. Nobody seems to realise that hardly anyone wants to read the collected lyrics of their favorite faux melodramatic songs. I find the forum boring and inpenetrable.
10.15
in an effort to entertain, I post a thread which contains exactly 578 double entendres. Not even Teflon replies.
Deadwood admits to having "been straight all along" before doing an IJ and posting homo-erotic messenger conversations with many of the forums most prolific posters, several of whom are married. Marriages break up and posters leave.
Victoria tells us she's dropping her studies to persue a career in scat porn. She then tells Ben and Kovacs to "Fuck off you pair of perverted fucks" before detailing the delights of her new crack habit.
posted
Ringo posts a self-pitying thread in which he encourages the forum to berrate him for how rubbish, thick and unpopular he is, and moans about how no one ever acknowledges his posts because they're so badly written.
Several posters fall into the trap by replying and causing a vomit-inducing Ringolovefest.
Victoria tells us she's dropping her studies to persue a career in scat porn. She then tells Ben and Kovacs to "Fuck off you pair of perverted fucks" before detailing the delights of her new crack habit.
Fish loses job due to yet another stupid mistake. This time running the queens obituary with the banners relating to a story about Osama Bin Laden found shot in a cave in Iraq.
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10.38 Some wanker starts up that turgid and blushmakingly bad thread where everyone pretends to be in a pub with a waitress called Daisy or something.
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10.39 Vikram asks for help, on every thread, with his post-doctoral thesis entitled, "Life: discuss".
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden.
posted
10.43 Benway, Ben, London and Scrawny all start "threads" that each consist of one 4000-word piece of fiction, any of which on their own would make the reader doubt their ability to ever write anything good again.
Its really kicking off in "cats or dogs", so much so that ben has "happened across" old material from various posters declaring their undying love for cats. This contradicts their current stance of love of all things canine. There is a cold chill passing through the forumites as they shudder at what else could be held in the archives of the wetherby whalers customer of the year (2000-03).
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: Bob ]
-------------------- and the porpoise was waving "goodbye goodbye"
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11:00 Physic stupidly spends his lunchtime composing a post about the perils of time travel, hoping to spark an interesting debate about the pitfalls of meddling with the past, and in the first half hour gets five responses, all missing the point of the thread, and one of which is a pointlessly pedantic 'correction' to the original post. Resolves not to bother in future Posts: 2337
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Thorn blurts out "London, I think I've fallen in love with you", seconds before Rose makes her six-monthly visit to the forum.
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