“I was always dreaming about very powerful people – dictators and things like that.” Arnulf Schwarzenegger in ‘Pumping Iron’.
Uh-huh. You lumpy bumpy lost-brain-in-dumpy twunt. But you want a proper argument, so we should start at the beginning…

I read comics when I were a lad. Big hero comics with big hero men and big hero women punching big hero crap out of bad folk. And the most dead-in-the-head big hero of all was Conan the Barbarian.
Conan was chained to a wheel for his adolescence. They weren’t training him to be Oscar Wilde. Arnulf, however, made him seem slower and more painfully thick than a porridge enema. He was so bad they put Bridget Nielson in the sequel. In a ginger wig.

That Arnulf can’t act is not news, of course, not even to Arnulf. He’s a personality… a star! With a trained cock! Yes, you read that right. “If I tell myself to train the thighs, then the calves, it’s boom, boom, mind-thighs, mind-calves, mind-this, mind-that,” says Arn in his infamous orgy interview in Oui magazine.
“And it’s the same with fucking – mind-cock.”

This is a man who should really be growing alfalfa and cuggling wabbits.

Only it gets better. Lantern-jaw Lenny doesn’t suffer the stereotypical bodybuilding hang up at all never ever nope not once. Because his cock is not only trained, it’s ma-hoo-sive. “I hear all kinds of lines,” he says, stroking his purring member like Blofeld would his cat, “including ‘oh, you’re hurting me; you’re so big.’”

What a star! What personality! What charm! All the cheek of a lumbering, big-handed Cornish farmer eating onions like apples and masturbating over the small women in the London papers.

All of which is fine if you’re a film star plain and simple. It’s probably par for the course. Jack Nicholson didn’t get that grin from a steady partner. But Arnulf is a Governor now. He’s in charge of an entire state, around 34,500,000 people. How the hell did that happen?

My guess is California is emerging from a period of excessive political wheelerdealering – on Arnulf’s website, his leading opponent, Democrat Cruz Bustamante, is described as ‘an expert player in Sacramento’s discredited political games’. (I bet they had to hold Arn back as his hamhands thumped out ‘liK aNtoNY hoPKiNS in NixoN’).

Arn wants to make a difference. He come out of the blocks clean, man, and boy does he have an advantage – millions of his very own dollars. Not for Arnulf the compromise of campaign contribution. Victory secured.

Only Arnulf is more cleverer even than that. Sod the path of saying something on the record on national television in front of the American public and sticking to it. Haha. Arnulf laughs at that path and lets out a little wee of excitement. Instead he pledged not to accept campaign donations and promptly did – the chirpy little chancer.

Arnulf also admitted that during his early years he may have oopsy boobood about his sexual exploits. What? No cock training? No little sausage squat thrusts? I guess Arn was getting four page spreads in leading French lifestyle periodicals all the time back then – he musta plain missed the one where the journo done made it all up.

Thankfully, after these early lessons in the hard world of American politics, Arnulf isn’t going to go around saying stupid things no more. Apart from the other week’s “I am for equal rights for all. I do not support gay marriage.”

Nice. I vote Arnie. Unless he’s Austrian and starred in Raw Deal.

Alright, alright, say Californians for Schwarzenegger, so he’s shagged about a bit – actors do. So he’s lied a little – politicians do. And so he says the odd silly thing – so does the Presidentist. Ummm. At heart, he’s a decent human being. Immigrant done good: embodiment of the American dream. If an Austrian Mr Universe can move to America and make a fortune playing robots, so can anyone, dagnabbit.

That’s right. I’m just being cynical. And Arn won’t stand alone – he’ll be surrounded by a crack team, like in Predator. They’ll save the day.

“It’s disturbing to realize that after taking a close look at California’s budget, it's hard to make any sense out of it. My Economic Recovery Council, comprised of the best and brightest among the state’s economic and business leaders, recently drew this conclusion.”

O shit.

By Adam

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